傷逝 Regret for the Past

如果我能夠，我要寫下我的悔恨和悲哀，為子君，為自己。If I could, I would write down my remorse and grief, for Zijun, and for myself.

如果我能够，我要写下我的悔恨和悲哀，为子君，为自己。

會館里的被遺忘在偏僻里的破屋是這樣地寂靜和空虛。The dilapidated room in the guild hall, forgotten in its remote corner, was so silent and empty.時光過得真快，我愛子君，仗著她逃出這寂靜和空虛，已經滿一年了。Time truly passes quickly; it has been a full year since I loved Zijun and, relying on her, escaped this silence and emptiness.事情又這麼不湊巧，我重來時，偏偏空著的又只有這一間屋。And things turned out so unluckily — when I came back again, the only room standing empty happened to be this very one.依然是這樣的破窗，這樣的窗外的半枯的槐樹和老紫藤，這樣的窗前的方桌，這樣的敗壁，這樣的靠壁的板床。It was still the same broken window, the same half-withered locust tree and old wisteria outside the window, the same square table before the window, the same crumbling wall, the same plank bed against the wall.深夜中獨自躺在床上，就如我未曾和子君同居以前一般，過去一年中的時光全被消滅，全未有過，我並沒有曾經從這破屋子搬出，在吉兆衚衕創立了滿懷希望的小小的家庭。Lying alone on the bed deep in the night, it was just as it had been before I ever lived with Zijun — as though the whole of that past year had been erased, had never happened at all, as though I had never moved out of this shabby room to set up, in Jizhao Hutong, a small household full of hope.

会馆里的被遗忘在偏僻里的破屋是这样地寂静和空虚。时光过得真快，我爱子君，仗著她逃出这寂静和空虚，已经满一年了。事情又这么不凑巧，我重来时，偏偏空著的又只有这一间屋。依然是这样的破窗，这样的窗外的半枯的槐树和老紫藤，这样的窗前的方桌，这样的败壁，这样的靠壁的板床。深夜中独自躺在床上，就如我未曾和子君同居以前一般，过去一年中的时光全被消灭，全未有过，我并没有曾经从这破屋子搬出，在吉兆胡同创立了满怀希望的小小的家庭。

不但如此。Not only that.在一年之前，這寂靜和空虛是並不這樣的，常常含著期待；A year ago, this silence and emptiness were not like this at all — they were often filled with expectation;期待子君的到來。the expectation of Zijun's arrival.在久待的焦躁中，一聽到皮鞋的高底尖觸著磚路的清響，是怎樣地使我驟然生動起來呵！In the impatience of long waiting, how the clear sound of high leather heels tapping the brick pavement would suddenly quicken me to life!於是就看見帶著笑渦的蒼白的圓臉，蒼白的瘦的臂膊，布的有條紋的衫子，玄色的裙。And then I would see her pale round face with its dimpled smile, her pale thin arms, her striped cotton blouse, her black skirt.她又帶了窗外的半枯的槐樹的新葉來，使我看見，還有掛在鐵似的老幹上的一房一房的紫白的藤花。She would also bring with her the new leaves of the half-withered locust tree outside the window, and let me see, too, the clusters upon clusters of purple-white wisteria blossoms hanging from the iron-hard old trunk.

不但如此。在一年之前，这寂静和空虚是并不这样的，常常含著期待；期待子君的到来。在久待的焦躁中，一听到皮鞋的高底尖触著砖路的清响，是怎样地使我骤然生动起来呵！于是就看见带著笑涡的苍白的圆脸，苍白的瘦的臂膊，布的有条纹的衫子，玄色的裙。她又带了窗外的半枯的槐树的新叶来，使我看见，还有挂在铁似的老干上的一房一房的紫白的藤花。

然而現在呢，只有寂靜和空虛依舊，子君卻決不再來了，而且永遠，永遠地！……But now — only the silence and emptiness remain as before; Zijun, though, will never come again, and forever, forever! ……

然而现在呢，只有寂静和空虚依旧，子君却决不再来了，而且永远，永远地！……

子君不在我這破屋裡時，我什麼也看不見。When Zijun is not here in this shabby room of mine, I can see nothing at all.在百無聊賴中，順手抓過一本書來，科學也好，文學也好，橫豎什麼都一樣；In utter listlessness I would pick up whatever book came to hand — science or literature, it made no difference either way;看下去，看下去，忽而自己覺得，已經翻了十多頁了，但是毫不記得書上所說的事。I would read on and on, and suddenly realize I had already turned more than ten pages, yet remembered not a single thing the book had said.只是耳朵卻分外地靈，仿佛聽到大門外一切往來的履聲，從中便有子君的，而且橐橐地逐漸臨近，——但是，往往又逐漸渺茫，終於消失在別的步聲的雜沓中了。Only my ears grew unusually sharp, as though I could hear every footstep passing outside the gate, and among them Zijun's, its clip-clop drawing gradually nearer — but then, more often than not, it would grow gradually fainter again, and finally vanish amid the jumble of other footsteps.我憎惡那不像子君鞋聲的穿布底鞋的長班的兒子，我憎惡那太像子君鞋聲的常常穿著新皮鞋的鄰院的搽雪花膏的小東西！I hated the caretaker's son whose cloth-soled shoes sounded nothing like Zijun's step; I hated that creature next door, smeared with cold cream, who often wore new leather shoes whose sound resembled Zijun's step all too closely!

子君不在我这破屋里时，我什么也看不见。在百无聊赖中，顺手抓过一本书来，科学也好，文学也好，横竖什么都一样；看下去，看下去，忽而自己觉得，已经翻了十多页了，但是毫不记得书上所说的事。只是耳朵却分外地灵，仿佛听到大门外一切往来的履声，从中便有子君的，而且橐橐地逐渐临近，——但是，往往又逐渐渺茫，终于消失在别的步声的杂沓中了。我憎恶那不像子君鞋声的穿布底鞋的长班的儿子，我憎恶那太像子君鞋声的常常穿著新皮鞋的邻院的搽雪花膏的小东西！

莫非她翻了車麽？Could it be that her rickshaw had overturned?莫非她被電車撞傷了麽？……Could it be that she had been struck and hurt by a tram? ……

莫非她翻了车么？莫非她被电车撞伤了么？……

我便要取了帽子去看她，然而她的胞叔就曾經當面罵過我。I would be on the point of taking up my hat to go and see her — but her uncle had once cursed me to my face.

我便要取了帽子去看她，然而她的胞叔就曾经当面骂过我。

驀然，她的鞋聲近來了，一步響於一步，迎出去時，卻已經走過紫藤棚下，臉上帶著微笑的酒窩。Then suddenly her footsteps would draw near, each step louder than the last, and by the time I went out to meet her she had already passed beneath the wisteria trellis, dimples of a smile on her face.她在她叔子的家裡大約並未受氣；At her uncle's house she had evidently not been made to suffer any grievance;我的心寧帖了，默默地相視片時之後，破屋裡便漸漸充滿了我的語聲，談家庭專制，談打破舊習慣，談男女平等，談伊孛生，談泰戈爾，談雪萊……。my heart would settle, and after gazing at each other in silence a while, the shabby room would gradually fill with the sound of my voice, talking of the tyranny of the family, talking of breaking old customs, talking of the equality of men and women, talking of Ibsen, of Tagore, of Shelley….她總是微笑點頭，兩眼裡瀰漫著稚氣的好奇的光澤。She would always smile and nod, her eyes brimming with a childlike, curious brightness.壁上就釘著一張銅板的雪萊半身像，是從雜誌上裁下來的，是他的最美的一張像。On the wall was pinned an engraved half-length portrait of Shelley, cut from a magazine — the most beautiful likeness of him there was.當我指給她看時，她卻只草草一看，便低了頭，似乎不好意思了。When I pointed it out for her to see, she only gave it a hasty glance and then lowered her head, as though embarrassed.這些地方，子君就大概還未脫盡舊思想的束縛，——我後來也想，倒不如換一張雪萊淹死在海裡的記念像或是伊孛生的罷；In such matters Zijun had, it seemed, not yet altogether shed the bonds of old ways of thinking — I thought afterward that it might have been better to replace it with a memorial picture of Shelley drowned in the sea, or one of Ibsen instead;但也終於沒有換，現在是連這一張也不知那裡去了。but in the end I never did change it, and now even that one picture — I have no idea where it has gone.

蓦然，她的鞋声近来了，一步响于一步，迎出去时，却已经走过紫藤棚下，脸上带著微笑的酒窝。她在她叔子的家里大约并未受气；我的心宁帖了，默默地相视片时之后，破屋里便渐渐充满了我的语声，谈家庭专制，谈打破旧习惯，谈男女平等，谈伊孛生，谈泰戈尔，谈雪莱……。她总是微笑点头，两眼里弥漫著稚气的好奇的光泽。壁上就钉著一张铜板的雪莱半身像，是从杂志上裁下来的，是他的最美的一张像。当我指给她看时，她却只草草一看，便低了头，似乎不好意思了。这些地方，子君就大概还未脱尽旧思想的束缚，——我后来也想，倒不如换一张雪莱淹死在海里的记念像或是伊孛生的罢；但也终于没有换，现在是连这一张也不知那里去了。

「我是我自己的，他們誰也沒有干涉我的權利！」"I am my own; none of them has any right to interfere with me!"

「我是我自己的，他们谁也没有干涉我的权利！」

這是我們交際了半年，又談起她在這裡的胞叔和在家的父親時，她默想了一會之後，分明地，堅決地，沉靜地說了出來的話。This was what she said, plainly, resolutely, and calmly, after a moment of silent thought, when we had been keeping company half a year and again fell to talking of her uncle here and her father back home.其時是我已經說盡了我的意見，我的身世，我的缺點，很少隱瞞；By that time I had already said all there was of my views, my history, my faults, hiding scarcely anything;她也完全瞭解的了。and she had come to understand it all fully.這幾句話很震動了我的靈魂，此後許多天還在耳中發響，而且說不出的狂喜，知道中國女性，並不如厭世家所說那樣的無法可施，在不遠的將來，便要看見輝煌的曙色的。These few words shook my very soul, and for many days afterward still echoed in my ears, filling me with an indescribable wild joy at knowing that the women of China were not, as the pessimists claimed, beyond all hope, and that before long a glorious dawn would surely be seen.

这是我们交际了半年，又谈起她在这里的胞叔和在家的父亲时，她默想了一会之后，分明地，坚决地，沉静地说了出来的话。其时是我已经说尽了我的意见，我的身世，我的缺点，很少隐瞒；她也完全瞭解的了。这几句话很震动了我的灵魂，此后许多天还在耳中发响，而且说不出的狂喜，知道中国女性，并不如厌世家所说那样的无法可施，在不远的将来，便要看见辉煌的曙色的。

送她出門，照例是相離十多步遠；Seeing her out the gate, as always we kept more than ten paces apart;照例是那鯰魚須的老東西的臉又緊帖在髒的窗玻璃上了，連鼻尖都擠成一個小平面；as always, the face of that old catfish-whiskered creature was pressed close against the grimy windowpane again, its very nose-tip flattened into a little plane;到外院，照例又是明晃晃的玻璃窗里的那小東西的臉，加厚的雪花膏。and on reaching the outer courtyard, as always there was again that creature's face in the brightly gleaming glass window, its layer of cold cream thickened.她目不邪視地驕傲地走了，沒有看見；She walked on proudly, eyes fixed straight ahead, seeing nothing;我驕傲地回來。and I came back proudly.

送她出门，照例是相离十多步远；照例是那鲶鱼须的老东西的脸又紧帖在脏的窗玻璃上了，连鼻尖都挤成一个小平面；到外院，照例又是明晃晃的玻璃窗里的那小东西的脸，加厚的雪花膏。她目不邪视地骄傲地走了，没有看见；我骄傲地回来。

「我是我自己的，他們誰也沒有干涉我的權利！」這徹底的思想就在她的腦里，比我還透澈，堅強得多。"I am my own; none of them has any right to interfere with me!" — this thoroughgoing idea existed in her mind far more clearly, far more firmly, than in mine.半瓶雪花膏和鼻尖的小平面，於她能算什麼東西呢？What could half a bottle of cold cream and a flattened nose-tip possibly amount to, in her eyes?

「我是我自己的，他们谁也没有干涉我的权利！」这彻底的思想就在她的脑里，比我还透澈，坚强得多。半瓶雪花膏和鼻尖的小平面，于她能算什么东西呢？

我已經記不清那時怎樣地將我的純真熱烈的愛表示給她。I can no longer remember clearly how, at that time, I made known to her my pure and ardent love.豈但現在，那時的事後便已模胡，夜間回想，早只剩了一些斷片了；Not only now — even soon after it happened, things had already grown hazy; recalling it at night, there were early on only a few fragments left;同居以後一兩月，便連這些斷片也化作無可追蹤的夢影。and one or two months after we began living together, even these fragments dissolved into dream-shadows beyond all tracing.我只記得那時以前的十幾天，曾經很仔細地研究過表示的態度，排列過措辭的先後，以及倘或遭了拒絕以後的情形。I remember only that in the dozen or so days before it happened, I had studied very carefully just what manner to declare myself in, had arranged the order of my words, and had thought over what would happen should I be refused.可是臨時似乎都無用，在慌張中，身不由己地竟用了在電影上見過的方法了。But when the moment came, all of it seemed useless; in my fluster, quite beyond my own control, I ended up using a method I had seen at the cinema.後來一想到，就使我很愧恧，但在記憶上卻偏只有這一點永遠留遺，至今還如暗室的孤燈一般，照見我含淚握著她的手，一條腿跪了下去……。Whenever I think of it afterward it fills me with shame, and yet it is precisely this one moment that has remained forever in my memory, still today like a solitary lamp in a dark room, lighting up the sight of myself, tears in my eyes, holding her hand and going down on one knee…….

我已经记不清那时怎样地将我的纯真热烈的爱表示给她。岂但现在，那时的事后便已模胡，夜间回想，早只剩了一些断片了；同居以后一两月，便连这些断片也化作无可追踪的梦影。我只记得那时以前的十几天，曾经很仔细地研究过表示的态度，排列过措辞的先后，以及倘或遭了拒绝以后的情形。可是临时似乎都无用，在慌张中，身不由己地竟用了在电影上见过的方法了。后来一想到，就使我很愧恧，但在记忆上却偏只有这一点永远留遗，至今还如暗室的孤灯一般，照见我含泪握著她的手，一条腿跪了下去……。

不但我自己的，便是子君的言語舉動，我那時就沒有看得分明；Not only my own — even Zijun's words and gestures, I failed at the time to see clearly;僅知道她已經允許我了。I knew only that she had already consented to me.但也還仿佛記得她臉色變成青白，後來又漸漸轉作緋紅，——沒有見過，也沒有再見的緋紅；Yet I still seem to remember that her face turned pale, and then gradually flushed crimson — a crimson I had never seen before, nor ever saw again;孩子似的眼裡射出悲喜，但是夾著驚疑的光，雖然力避我的視線，張皇地似乎要破窗飛去。in her childlike eyes shone both sorrow and joy, mingled with a light of alarm and doubt, and though she strove to avoid my gaze, she seemed, in her flurry, as if about to break through the window and fly away.然而我知道她已經允許我了，沒有知道她怎樣說或是沒有說。Still, I knew she had already consented to me, without knowing how she had said it, or whether she had said anything at all.

不但我自己的，便是子君的言语举动，我那时就没有看得分明；仅知道她已经允许我了。但也还仿佛记得她脸色变成青白，后来又渐渐转作绯红，——没有见过，也没有再见的绯红；孩子似的眼里射出悲喜，但是夹著惊疑的光，虽然力避我的视线，张皇地似乎要破窗飞去。然而我知道她已经允许我了，没有知道她怎样说或是没有说。

她卻是什麼都記得：我的言辭，竟至於讀熟了的一般，能夠滔滔背誦；She, however, remembered everything: my words, to the point that she could recite them fluently, as though she had learned them by heart;我的舉動，就如有一張我所看不見的影片掛在眼下，敘述得如生，很細微，自然連那使我不願再想的淺薄的電影的一閃。my gestures, as though there hung before her eyes a film I myself could not see, she described them vividly, in the minutest detail, and of course including that shallow flash from the cinema which I would rather not think of again.夜闌人靜，是相對溫習的時候了，我常是被質問，被考驗，並且被命複述當時的言語，然而常須由她補足，由她糾正，像一個丁等的學生。Late at night, when all was still, was the time for us to review together face to face; I was often questioned, tested, and ordered to repeat the words spoken then, yet time and again it had to be filled out by her, corrected by her, like a fourth-rate student.

她却是什么都记得：我的言辞，竟至于读熟了的一般，能够滔滔背诵；我的举动，就如有一张我所看不见的影片挂在眼下，叙述得如生，很细微，自然连那使我不愿再想的浅薄的电影的一闪。夜阑人静，是相对温习的时候了，我常是被质问，被考验，并且被命复述当时的言语，然而常须由她补足，由她纠正，像一个丁等的学生。

這溫習後來也漸漸稀疏起來。This reviewing, too, later grew gradually less frequent.但我只要看見她兩眼註視空中，出神似的凝想著，於是神色越加柔和，笑窩也深下去，便知道她又在自修舊課了，只是我很怕她看到我那可笑的電影的一閃。But whenever I saw her two eyes fixed on the empty air, lost in thought as though in a trance, and then her expression grow gentler still, her dimples deepen — I would know she was going over her old lesson again by herself; only I was very much afraid of her seeing that ridiculous flash of cinema in me.但我又知道，她一定要看見，而且也非看不可的。Yet I also knew that she was bound to see it, and could not help but see it.

这温习后来也渐渐稀疏起来。但我只要看见她两眼注视空中，出神似的凝想著，于是神色越加柔和，笑窝也深下去，便知道她又在自修旧课了，只是我很怕她看到我那可笑的电影的一闪。但我又知道，她一定要看见，而且也非看不可的。

然而她並不覺得可笑。And yet she did not find it in the least ridiculous.即使我自己以為可笑，甚而至於可鄙的，她也毫不以為可笑。Even what I myself thought ridiculous, even contemptible, she did not think ridiculous at all.這事我知道得很清楚，因為她愛我，是這樣地熱烈，這樣地純真。This much I knew very clearly, because she loved me — so ardently, so purely.

然而她并不觉得可笑。即使我自己以为可笑，甚而至于可鄙的，她也毫不以为可笑。这事我知道得很清楚，因为她爱我，是这样地热烈，这样地纯真。

去年的暮春是最為幸福，也是最為忙碌的時光。Last year's late spring was the happiest time, and also the busiest.我的心平靜下去了，但又有別一部分和身體一同忙碌起來。My heart had grown calm, but another part of me, together with my body, had grown busy instead.我們這時才在路上同行，也到過幾回公園，最多的是尋住所。It was only now that we walked together on the streets, and went a few times to the park as well, but most of all we went about looking for lodgings.我覺得在路上時時遇到探索，譏笑，猥褻和輕蔑的眼光，一不小心，便使我的全身有些瑟縮，只得即刻提起我的驕傲和反抗來支持。I felt that on the road we constantly met with prying, mocking, lewd, and contemptuous looks, and the moment I was off guard, my whole body would shrink a little, so that I had at once to summon my pride and defiance to bear it up.她卻是大無畏的，對於這些全不關心，只是鎮靜地緩緩前行，坦然如入無人之境。She, however, was utterly fearless, quite unconcerned by any of it, walking calmly and slowly onward, as composed as though entering a land where no one else existed.

去年的暮春是最为幸福，也是最为忙碌的时光。我的心平静下去了，但又有别一部分和身体一同忙碌起来。我们这时才在路上同行，也到过几回公园，最多的是寻住所。我觉得在路上时时遇到探索，讥笑，猥亵和轻蔑的眼光，一不小心，便使我的全身有些瑟缩，只得即刻提起我的骄傲和反抗来支持。她却是大无畏的，对于这些全不关心，只是镇静地缓缓前行，坦然如入无人之境。

尋住所實在不是容易事，大半是被托辭拒絕，小半是我們以為不相宜。Finding lodgings was truly no easy matter — for the most part we were turned away with some pretext, and for the rest we ourselves judged the place unsuitable.起先我們選擇得很苛酷，——也非苛酷，因為看去大抵不像是我們的安身之所；At first we were very exacting in our choice — though it was not really exacting, for most places simply did not look like a home where we could settle;後來，便只要他們能相容了。but later, we asked only that they would take us in.看了二十多處，這才得到可以暫且敷衍的處所，是吉兆衚衕一所小屋裡的兩間南屋；After looking at more than twenty places, we finally found one that would do for the time being — two south-facing rooms in a small house in Jizhao Hutong;主人是一個小官，然而倒是明白人，自住著正屋和廂房。the landlord was a minor official, but a sensible man for all that, living himself in the main rooms and the side wing.他只有夫人和一個不到周歲的女孩子，雇一個鄉下的女工，只要孩子不啼哭，是極其安閑幽靜的。He had only his wife and a baby girl not yet a year old, and employed a country woman as a servant; so long as the child did not cry, the place was extremely quiet and at ease.

寻住所实在不是容易事，大半是被托辞拒绝，小半是我们以为不相宜。起先我们选择得很苛酷，——也非苛酷，因为看去大抵不像是我们的安身之所；后来，便只要他们能相容了。看了二十多处，这才得到可以暂且敷衍的处所，是吉兆胡同一所小屋里的两间南屋；主人是一个小官，然而倒是明白人，自住著正屋和厢房。他只有夫人和一个不到周岁的女孩子，雇一个乡下的女工，只要孩子不啼哭，是极其安闲幽静的。

我們的傢具很簡單，但已經用去了我的籌來的款子的大半；Our furniture was very simple, yet it had already used up more than half of the funds I had managed to raise;子君還賣掉了她唯一的金戒指和耳環。and Zijun, besides, sold her one and only gold ring and her earrings.我攔阻她，還是定要賣，我也就不再堅持下去了；I tried to stop her, but she insisted on selling them, and so I did not press the matter further;我知道不給她加入一點股分去，她是住不舒服的。I knew that unless she was allowed to put in some share of her own, she would not feel easy about living there.

我们的家具很简单，但已经用去了我的筹来的款子的大半；子君还卖掉了她唯一的金戒指和耳环。我拦阻她，还是定要卖，我也就不再坚持下去了；我知道不给她加入一点股分去，她是住不舒服的。

和她的叔子，她早經鬧開，至於使他氣憤到不再認她做侄女；With her uncle she had already broken off long before, to the point of angering him so much that he no longer acknowledged her as his niece;我也陸續和幾個自以為忠告，其實是替我膽怯，或者竟是嫉妒的朋友絕了交。and I, too, gradually broke with several friends who believed themselves to be giving me honest counsel, but who were in fact only timid on my behalf, or perhaps even jealous.然而這倒很清靜。And yet this made things rather peaceful.每日辦公散後，雖然已近黃昏，車夫又一定走得這樣慢，但究竟還有二人相對的時候。Every day after office hours, though it was already close to dusk, and the ricksha puller was sure to go so slowly, still, in the end, there came the time when the two of us sat facing each other.我們先是沉默的相視，接著是放懷而親密的交談，後來又是沉默。We would first gaze at each other in silence, then talk freely and intimately, and afterward fall silent again.大家低頭沉思著，卻並未想著什麼事。Each of us bowed our heads in deep thought, yet was not really thinking of anything at all.我也漸漸清醒地讀遍了她的身體，她的靈魂，不過三星期，我似乎於她已經更加瞭解，揭去許多先前以為瞭解而現在看來卻是隔膜，即所謂真的隔膜了。I too came, with growing clarity, to read through her body and her soul entirely; in no more than three weeks, I seemed to understand her even better, stripping away much that I had before taken for understanding but which now appeared to be a barrier — what might be called true estrangement.

和她的叔子，她早经闹开，至于使他气愤到不再认她做侄女；我也陆续和几个自以为忠告，其实是替我胆怯，或者竟是嫉妒的朋友绝了交。然而这倒很清静。每日办公散后，虽然已近黄昏，车夫又一定走得这样慢，但究竟还有二人相对的时候。我们先是沉默的相视，接著是放怀而亲密的交谈，后来又是沉默。大家低头沉思著，却并未想著什么事。我也渐渐清醒地读遍了她的身体，她的灵魂，不过三星期，我似乎于她已经更加瞭解，揭去许多先前以为瞭解而现在看来却是隔膜，即所谓真的隔膜了。

子君也逐日活潑起來。Zijun, too, grew livelier day by day.但她並不愛花，我在廟會時買來的兩盆小草花，四天不澆，枯死在壁角了，我又沒有照顧一切的閑暇。But she was not fond of flowers; the two potted plants I had bought at the temple fair went four days without water and withered away dead in the corner, and I, for my part, had no leisure to look after everything.然而她愛動物，也許是從官太太那裡傳染的罷，不一月，我們的眷屬便驟然加得很多，四隻小油雞，在小院子里和房主人的十多只在一同走。She was fond of animals, though, perhaps caught from the official's wife next door; within less than a month our household had suddenly grown by a good many members — four little chicks, which walked about in the small courtyard together with the landlord's dozen or so.但她們卻認識雞的相貌，各知道那一隻是自家的。But the two of them could tell the chickens apart by their looks, and each always knew which ones were her own.還有一隻花白的叭兒狗，從廟會買來，記得似乎原有名字，子君卻給它另起了一個，叫作阿隨。There was also a black-and-white pug bought at the temple fair; I seem to recall it already had a name, but Zijun gave it another, calling it Ah Sui.我就叫它阿隨，但我不喜歡這名字。So I too called it Ah Sui, though I did not care for the name.

子君也逐日活泼起来。但她并不爱花，我在庙会时买来的两盆小草花，四天不浇，枯死在壁角了，我又没有照顾一切的闲暇。然而她爱动物，也许是从官太太那里传染的罢，不一月，我们的眷属便骤然加得很多，四只小油鸡，在小院子里和房主人的十多只在一同走。但她们却认识鸡的相貌，各知道那一只是自家的。还有一只花白的叭儿狗，从庙会买来，记得似乎原有名字，子君却给它另起了一个，叫作阿随。我就叫它阿随，但我不喜欢这名字。

這是真的，愛情必須時時更新，生長，創造。This much is true: love must constantly renew itself, grow, and create anew.我和子君說起這，她也領會地點點頭。I spoke of this to Zijun, and she nodded in understanding.

这是真的，爱情必须时时更新，生长，创造。我和子君说起这，她也领会地点点头。

唉唉，那是怎樣的寧靜而幸福的夜呵！Ah, ah — what tranquil and happy nights those were!

唉唉，那是怎样的宁静而幸福的夜呵！

安寧和幸福是要凝固的，永久是這樣的安寧和幸福。Peace and happiness were meant to be held fast, to remain forever just such peace and happiness.我們在會館里時，還偶有議論的衝突和意思的誤會，自從到吉兆衚衕以來，連這一點也沒有了；When we were still at the guild hall, there had still been the occasional clash of opinions or misunderstanding of intent; but since coming to Jizhao Hutong, even that much had vanished;我們只在燈下對坐的懷舊譚中，回味那時衝突以後的和解的重生一般的樂趣。we could only, sitting facing each other under the lamp in reminiscent talk, savor again the joy — like a kind of rebirth — of reconciliation after those old conflicts.

安宁和幸福是要凝固的，永久是这样的安宁和幸福。我们在会馆里时，还偶有议论的冲突和意思的误会，自从到吉兆胡同以来，连这一点也没有了；我们只在灯下对坐的怀旧谭中，回味那时冲突以后的和解的重生一般的乐趣。

子君竟胖了起來，臉色也紅活了；Zijun had actually grown plump, and her complexion had turned rosy and full of life;可惜的是忙。the pity of it was that she was so busy.管了家務便連談天的工夫也沒有，何況讀書和散步。Once she had taken charge of the household, she had no time even for chatting, let alone for reading or taking walks.我們常說，我們總還得雇一個女工。We often said that we really ought to hire a maidservant.

子君竟胖了起来，脸色也红活了；可惜的是忙。管了家务便连谈天的工夫也没有，何况读书和散步。我们常说，我们总还得雇一个女工。

這就使我也一樣地不快活，傍晚回來，常見她包藏著不快活的顏色，尤其使我不樂的是她要裝作勉強的笑容。This made me just as unhappy; coming home in the evening, I would often see her concealing an unhappy look, and what displeased me most was that she would force herself to put on a smile.幸而探聽出來了，也還是和那小官太太的暗鬥，導火線便是兩家的小油雞。Fortunately I found out what it was — it was, after all, a covert struggle with that petty official's wife, and the fuse was the two households' little chicks.但又何必硬不告訴我呢？But why on earth had she insisted on not telling me?人總該有一個獨立的家庭。A person ought, after all, to have an independent household.這樣的處所，是不能居住的。A place like this was simply not fit to live in.

这就使我也一样地不快活，傍晚回来，常见她包藏著不快活的颜色，尤其使我不乐的是她要装作勉强的笑容。幸而探听出来了，也还是和那小官太太的暗斗，导火线便是两家的小油鸡。但又何必硬不告诉我呢？人总该有一个独立的家庭。这样的处所，是不能居住的。

我的路也鑄定了，每星期中的六天，是由家到局，又由局到家。My own course, too, was cast in a fixed mold: six days out of every week, from home to the bureau, and from the bureau back home again.在局裡便坐在辦公桌前鈔，鈔，鈔些公文和信件；At the bureau I would sit at my desk copying, copying, copying out official documents and letters;在家裡是和她相對或幫她生白爐子，煮飯，蒸饅頭。at home I would sit facing her, or help her light the stove, cook rice, steam buns.我的學會了煮飯，就在這時候。It was at this time that I learned to cook.

我的路也铸定了，每星期中的六天，是由家到局，又由局到家。在局里便坐在办公桌前钞，钞，钞些公文和信件；在家里是和她相对或帮她生白炉子，煮饭，蒸馒头。我的学会了煮饭，就在这时候。

但我的食品卻比在會館里時好得多了。Yet my meals were far better now than they had been at the guild hall.做菜雖不是子君的特長，然而她於此卻傾註著全力；Cooking was not exactly Zijun's forte, and yet she poured all her energy into it;對於她的日夜的操心，使我也不能不一同操心，來算作分甘共苦。and her ceaseless worrying, day and night, over it left me no choice but to worry along with her, so as to share, as it were, the sweet and the bitter alike.況且她又這樣地終日汗流滿面，短髮都粘在腦額上；What is more, she would be like this the whole day long, her face streaming with sweat, her short hair sticking to her forehead;兩隻手又只是這樣地粗糙起來。and her two hands, too, simply grew rougher and rougher this way.

但我的食品却比在会馆里时好得多了。做菜虽不是子君的特长，然而她于此却倾注著全力；对于她的日夜的操心，使我也不能不一同操心，来算作分甘共苦。况且她又这样地终日汗流满面，短发都粘在脑额上；两只手又只是这样地粗糙起来。

況且還要飼阿隨，飼油雞，……And besides, there was Ah Sui to feed, and the chicks to feed, ……都是非她不可的工作。all of it work that had to be hers and no one else's.我曾經忠告她：我不吃，倒也罷了；I once counseled her earnestly: if I went without eating, that would be no great matter;卻萬不可這樣地操勞。but on no account should she wear herself out like this.她只看了我一眼，不開口，神色卻似乎有點凄然；She only looked at me once, without a word, though her expression seemed touched with a kind of sadness;我也只好不開口。and so I too had no choice but to say nothing more.然而她還是這樣地操勞。Yet she went on wearing herself out just the same.

况且还要饲阿随，饲油鸡，……都是非她不可的工作。我曾经忠告她：我不吃，倒也罢了；却万不可这样地操劳。她只看了我一眼，不开口，神色却似乎有点凄然；我也只好不开口。然而她还是这样地操劳。

我所豫期的打擊果然到來。The blow I had anticipated did indeed come.雙十節的前一晚，我呆坐著，她在洗碗。On the eve of the Double Tenth Festival, I sat blankly, while she washed the dishes.聽到打門聲，我去開門時，是局裡的信差，交給我一張油印的紙條。Hearing a knock at the door, I went to open it — it was a messenger from the bureau, who handed me a mimeographed slip of paper.我就有些料到了，到燈下去一看，果然，印著的就是：奉局長諭史涓生著毋庸到局辦事秘書處啟十月九號I had half expected it already; taking it under the lamp to look, sure enough, what was printed there read: "By order of the Bureau Chief, Shi Juansheng is no longer required to report for duty at the bureau. — Secretarial Office, October 9th."

我所豫期的打击果然到来。双十节的前一晚，我呆坐著，她在洗碗。听到打门声，我去开门时，是局里的信差，交给我一张油印的纸条。我就有些料到了，到灯下去一看，果然，印著的就是：奉局长谕史涓生著毋庸到局办事秘书处启十月九号

這在會館里時，我就早已料到了；Back when we were still living at the hostel, I had already foreseen this;那雪花膏便是局長的兒子的賭友，一定要去添些謠言，設法報告的。that "Vanishing Cream" fellow was a gambling companion of the Bureau Chief's son, and was bound to go add some rumors and find a way to report on us.到現在才發生效驗，已經要算是很晚的了。That it only took effect now must already be counted quite late.其實這在我不能算是一個打擊，因為我早就決定，可以給別人去鈔寫，或者教讀，或者雖然費力，也還可以譯點書，況且《自由之友》的總編輯便是見過幾次的熟人，兩月前還通過信。In fact this could hardly count as a blow to me, for I had long since decided that I could copy documents for others, or tutor, or, though it would take effort, still translate a bit; besides, the chief editor of Freedom's Friend was an acquaintance I had met several times, and we had even exchanged letters two months before.但我的心卻跳躍著。Yet my heart was pounding all the same.那麼一個無畏的子君也變了色，尤其使我痛心；That even Zijun, so fearless, changed color at the news pained me all the more;她近來似乎也較為怯弱了。of late she seemed to have grown somewhat more timid.

这在会馆里时，我就早已料到了；那雪花膏便是局长的儿子的赌友，一定要去添些谣言，设法报告的。到现在才发生效验，已经要算是很晚的了。其实这在我不能算是一个打击，因为我早就决定，可以给别人去钞写，或者教读，或者虽然费力，也还可以译点书，况且《自由之友》的总编辑便是见过几次的熟人，两月前还通过信。但我的心却跳跃著。那么一个无畏的子君也变了色，尤其使我痛心；她近来似乎也较为怯弱了。

「那算什麼。"What does that matter.哼，我們幹新的。Hmph, we'll strike out on something new.我們……。」她說。We…" she said.

「那算什么。哼，我们干新的。我们……。」她说。

她的話沒有說完；She did not finish what she was saying;不知怎地，那聲音在我聽去卻只是浮浮的；somehow, to my ears that voice sounded only hollow and unsteady;燈光也覺得格外黯淡。the lamplight, too, seemed unusually dim.人們真是可笑的動物，一點極微末的小事情，便會受著很深的影響。People truly are ridiculous creatures — the most trifling little thing can affect them so deeply.我們先是默默地相視，逐漸商量起來，終於決定將現有的錢竭力節省，一面登「小廣告」去尋求鈔寫和教讀，一面寫信給《自由之友》的總編輯，說明我目下的遭遇，請他收用我的譯本，給我幫一點艱辛時候的忙。At first we merely gazed at each other in silence, then gradually began to talk it over, and at last decided that we would economize as much as possible with the money we had on hand, while placing a "small advertisement" to look for copying and tutoring work, and at the same time write to the chief editor of Freedom's Friend explaining my present circumstances, asking him to accept my translation and help me a little through this hard time.

她的话没有说完；不知怎地，那声音在我听去却只是浮浮的；灯光也觉得格外黯淡。人们真是可笑的动物，一点极微末的小事情，便会受著很深的影响。我们先是默默地相视，逐渐商量起来，终于决定将现有的钱竭力节省，一面登「小广告」去寻求钞写和教读，一面写信给《自由之友》的总编辑，说明我目下的遭遇，请他收用我的译本，给我帮一点艰辛时候的忙。

「說做，就做罷！"If we say we'll do it, then let's do it!來開一條新的路！」Let's open up a new road!"

「说做，就做罢！来开一条新的路！」

我立刻轉身向了書案，推開盛香油的瓶子和醋碟，子君便送過那黯淡的燈來。I turned at once to my writing desk, pushing aside the bottle of sesame oil and the vinegar dish, and Zijun brought over that dim lamp.我先擬廣告；First I drafted the advertisement;其次是選定可譯的書，遷移以來未曾翻閱過，每本的頭上都滿漫著灰塵了；next I chose which books were fit to translate — I had not opened them since we moved, and the top of every one was thick with dust;最後才寫信。and only last did I write the letter.

我立刻转身向了书案，推开盛香油的瓶子和醋碟，子君便送过那黯淡的灯来。我先拟广告；其次是选定可译的书，迁移以来未曾翻阅过，每本的头上都满漫著灰尘了；最后才写信。

我很費躊躕，不知道怎樣措辭好，當停筆凝思的時候，轉眼去一瞥她的臉，在昏暗的燈光下，又很見得凄然。I hesitated a great deal, not knowing how best to word it, and when I paused, pen in hand, to think, I glanced over at her face, which, in the dim lamplight, looked quite forlorn.我真不料這樣微細的小事情，竟會給堅決的，無畏的子君以這麼顯著的變化。I truly had not expected that so slight a matter could bring about so marked a change in the resolute, fearless Zijun.她近來實在變得很怯弱了，但也並不是今夜才開始的。She really had grown very timid of late, though this had not begun only tonight.我的心因此更繚亂，忽然有安寧的生活的影像——會館里的破屋的寂靜，在眼前一閃，剛剛想定睛凝視，卻又看見了昏暗的燈光。My heart grew all the more troubled at this; suddenly an image of a peaceful life flashed before my eyes — the stillness of that shabby room at the hostel — and just as I was about to fix my gaze on it, I saw once more only the dim lamplight.

我很费踌蹰，不知道怎样措辞好，当停笔凝思的时候，转眼去一瞥她的脸，在昏暗的灯光下，又很见得凄然。我真不料这样微细的小事情，竟会给坚决的，无畏的子君以这么显著的变化。她近来实在变得很怯弱了，但也并不是今夜才开始的。我的心因此更缭乱，忽然有安宁的生活的影像——会馆里的破屋的寂静，在眼前一闪，刚刚想定睛凝视，却又看见了昏暗的灯光。

許久之後，信也寫成了，是一封頗長的信；A long while later, the letter too was finished — it was a fairly long letter;很覺得疲勞，仿佛近來自己也較為怯弱了。I felt quite worn out, as though I too had grown somewhat more timid of late.於是我們決定，廣告和發信，就在明日一同實行。So we decided that the advertisement and the mailing of the letter would both be carried out the next day.大家不約而同地伸直了腰肢，在無言中，似乎又都感到彼此的堅忍崛強的精神，還看見從新萌芽起來的將來的希望。Without either of us intending it, we both straightened our backs at the same moment, and in that silence we seemed once again to feel each other's steadfast, unyielding spirit, and to see, freshly sprouting, the hope of a future to come.

许久之后，信也写成了，是一封颇长的信；很觉得疲劳，仿佛近来自己也较为怯弱了。于是我们决定，广告和发信，就在明日一同实行。大家不约而同地伸直了腰肢，在无言中，似乎又都感到彼此的坚忍崛强的精神，还看见从新萌芽起来的将来的希望。

外來的打擊其實倒是振作了我們的新精神。The blow from outside had, in fact, roused our spirits anew.局裡的生活，原如鳥販子手裡的禽鳥一般，僅有一點小米維繫殘生，決不會肥胖；Life at the bureau had, after all, been like that of a bird in a bird-seller's hands, kept alive on nothing but a few grains of millet, never to grow plump;日子一久，只落得麻痹了翅子，即使放出籠外，早已不能奮飛。and as the days wore on, one ended up only with numbed wings, so that even set free of the cage, one could no longer fly.現在總算脫出這牢籠了，我從此要在新的開闊的天空中翱翔，趁我還未忘卻了我的翅子的扇動。Now I had finally escaped that cage; from now on I would soar in a new, open sky, while I still had not forgotten how to beat my wings.

外来的打击其实倒是振作了我们的新精神。局里的生活，原如鸟贩子手里的禽鸟一般，仅有一点小米维系残生，决不会肥胖；日子一久，只落得麻痹了翅子，即使放出笼外，早已不能奋飞。现在总算脱出这牢笼了，我从此要在新的开阔的天空中翱翔，趁我还未忘却了我的翅子的扇动。

小廣告是一時自然不會發生效力的；The small advertisement would, of course, not take effect right away;但譯書也不是容易事，先前看過，以為已經懂得的，一動手，卻疑難百出了，進行得很慢。and translating books proved no easy matter either — passages I had read before and thought I understood turned out, once I set to work, to be riddled with difficulties, and progress was very slow.然而我決計努力地做，一本半新的字典，不到半月，邊上便有了一大片烏黑的指痕，這就證明著我的工作的切實。《自由之友》的總編輯曾經說過，他的刊物是決不會埋沒好稿子的。Still, I resolved to work hard at it; a dictionary that had been half new, in less than half a month, had its edges covered with a great smear of black fingerprints, which proved just how earnestly I was working. The chief editor of Freedom's Friend had once said that his publication would never let a good manuscript go to waste.

小广告是一时自然不会发生效力的；但译书也不是容易事，先前看过，以为已经懂得的，一动手，却疑难百出了，进行得很慢。然而我决计努力地做，一本半新的字典，不到半月，边上便有了一大片乌黑的指痕，这就证明著我的工作的切实。《自由之友》的总编辑曾经说过，他的刊物是决不会埋没好稿子的。

可惜的是我沒有一間靜室，子君又沒有先前那麼幽靜，善於體帖了，屋子裡總是散亂著碗碟，瀰漫著煤煙，使人不能安心做事，但是這自然還只能怨我自己無力置一間書齋。The pity was that I had no quiet room of my own, and Zijun was no longer as calm and considerate as before; the room was forever littered with bowls and plates, filled with coal smoke, so that one could not settle down to work — though of course, this could only be blamed on my own inability to afford a separate study.然而又加以阿隨，加以油雞們。And on top of that there was Ah Sui, and there were the chickens as well.加以油雞們又大起來了，更容易成為兩家爭吵的引線。And the chickens, having grown bigger now, more easily became the fuse for quarrels between the two households.

可惜的是我没有一间静室，子君又没有先前那么幽静，善于体帖了，屋子里总是散乱著碗碟，弥漫著煤烟，使人不能安心做事，但是这自然还只能怨我自己无力置一间书斋。然而又加以阿随，加以油鸡们。加以油鸡们又大起来了，更容易成为两家争吵的引线。

加以每日的「川流不息」的吃飯；And on top of that, the daily "endless stream" of meals;子君的功業，仿佛就完全建立在這吃飯中。Zijun's whole life's work seemed to rest entirely upon this business of eating.吃了籌錢，籌來吃飯，還要喂阿隨，飼油雞；Eat, then scrape together money, scrape together money to eat, and on top of that feed Ah Sui and feed the chickens;她似乎將先前所知道的全都忘掉了，也不想到我的構思就常常為了這催促吃飯而打斷。she seemed to have forgotten entirely all she once knew, and never thought that my train of thought was so often broken by this urging to eat.即使在坐中給看一點怒色，她總是不改變，仍然毫無感觸似的大嚼起來。Even if, sitting there, I let a trace of irritation show on my face, she never changed her ways, but went on chewing away heartily as though quite unmoved.

加以每日的「川流不息」的吃饭；子君的功业，仿佛就完全建立在这吃饭中。吃了筹钱，筹来吃饭，还要喂阿随，饲油鸡；她似乎将先前所知道的全都忘掉了，也不想到我的构思就常常为了这催促吃饭而打断。即使在坐中给看一点怒色，她总是不改变，仍然毫无感触似的大嚼起来。

使她明白了我的作工不能受規定的吃飯的束縛，就費去五星期。It took a full five weeks before I could make her understand that my work could not be bound by set mealtimes.她明白之後，大約很不高興罷，可是沒有說。After she understood, she was probably very displeased, but she said nothing.我的工作果然從此較為迅速地進行，不久就共譯了五萬言，只要潤色一回，便可以和做好的兩篇小品，一同寄給《自由之友》去。My work did indeed proceed more quickly after that; before long I had translated fifty thousand words in all, and once I gave it a single polishing, it could be sent off, together with two finished essays, to Freedom's Friend.只是吃飯卻依然給我苦惱。Only meals still remained a source of trouble for me.菜冷，是無妨的，然而竟不夠；That the dishes were cold did not matter, but there was actually not enough of it;有時連飯也不夠，雖然我因為終日坐在家裡用腦，飯量已經比先前要減少得多。sometimes there was not even enough rice, even though, since I sat at home racking my brains all day, my appetite had already shrunk considerably compared to before.這是先去喂了阿隨了，有時還並那近來連自己也輕易不吃的羊肉。This was because it had first gone to feed Ah Sui — sometimes along with the mutton that, of late, even she herself would not readily eat.她說，阿隨實在瘦得太可憐，房東太太還因此嗤笑我們了，她受不住這樣的奚落。She said Ah Sui had grown pitifully thin, and that the landlady had even mocked us for it; she could not bear such taunts.

使她明白了我的作工不能受规定的吃饭的束缚，就费去五星期。她明白之后，大约很不高兴罢，可是没有说。我的工作果然从此较为迅速地进行，不久就共译了五万言，只要润色一回，便可以和做好的两篇小品，一同寄给《自由之友》去。只是吃饭却依然给我苦恼。菜冷，是无妨的，然而竟不够；有时连饭也不够，虽然我因为终日坐在家里用脑，饭量已经比先前要减少得多。这是先去喂了阿随了，有时还并那近来连自己也轻易不吃的羊肉。她说，阿随实在瘦得太可怜，房东太太还因此嗤笑我们了，她受不住这样的奚落。

於是吃我殘飯的便只有油雞們。And so it was only the chickens who ate what was left of my meal.這是我積久才看出來的，但同時也如赫胥黎的論定「人類在宇宙間的位置」一般，自覺了我在這裡的位置：不過是叭兒狗和油雞之間。This I only came to see after a long while, but at the same time, much as Huxley determined "Man's Place in Nature," I became aware of my own place here: somewhere between the pug dog and the chickens.

于是吃我残饭的便只有油鸡们。这是我积久才看出来的，但同时也如赫胥黎的论定「人类在宇宙间的位置」一般，自觉了我在这里的位置：不过是叭儿狗和油鸡之间。

後來，經多次的抗爭和催逼，油雞們也逐漸成為餚饌，我們和阿隨都享用了十多日的鮮肥；Later, after repeated protests and urgings, the chickens too gradually became dishes on the table, and for over ten days both Ah Sui and we enjoyed their fresh, fatty meat;可是其實都很瘦，因為它們早已每日只能得到幾粒高粱了。though in truth they were all quite thin, for by then they had long been getting only a few grains of sorghum a day.從此便清靜得多。From then on things grew much quieter.只有子君很頹唐，似乎常覺得凄苦和無聊，至於不大願意開口。Only Zijun grew very despondent, seeming often to feel forlorn and bored, so much so that she was reluctant even to speak.我想，人是多麼容易改變呵！I thought: how easily people change!

后来，经多次的抗争和催逼，油鸡们也逐渐成为肴馔，我们和阿随都享用了十多日的鲜肥；可是其实都很瘦，因为它们早已每日只能得到几粒高粱了。从此便清静得多。只有子君很颓唐，似乎常觉得凄苦和无聊，至于不大愿意开口。我想，人是多么容易改变呵！

但是阿隨也將留不住了。But even Ah Sui could not be kept much longer.我們已經不能再希望從什麼地方會有來信，子君也早沒有一點食物可以引它打拱或直立起來。We could no longer hope for a letter to come from anywhere, and Zijun, too, had long had no scrap of food left with which to coax it into bowing or standing up on its hind legs.冬季又逼近得這麼快，火爐就要成為很大的問題；Winter, too, was closing in so fast that the stove was about to become a serious problem;它的食量，在我們其實早是一個極易覺得的很重的負擔。its appetite had, in truth, long since become a heavy burden we could all too easily feel.於是連它也留不住了。And so even it could not be kept.

但是阿随也将留不住了。我们已经不能再希望从什么地方会有来信，子君也早没有一点食物可以引它打拱或直立起来。冬季又逼近得这么快，火炉就要成为很大的问题；它的食量，在我们其实早是一个极易觉得的很重的负担。于是连它也留不住了。

倘使插了草標到廟市去出賣，也許能得幾文錢罷，然而我們都不能，也不願這樣做。Had we stuck a straw marker in it and taken it to the temple market to sell, we might perhaps have gotten a few coppers for it, but neither of us could bring ourselves to do such a thing, nor did we wish to.終於是用包袱蒙著頭，由我帶到西郊去放掉了，還要追上來，便推在一個並不很深的土坑裡。In the end, I covered its head with a cloth bundle and took it out to the western outskirts to let it go; when it tried to follow after me, I pushed it into a pit in the ground that was not very deep.

倘使插了草标到庙市去出卖，也许能得几文钱罢，然而我们都不能，也不愿这样做。终于是用包袱蒙著头，由我带到西郊去放掉了，还要追上来，便推在一个并不很深的土坑里。

我一回寓，覺得又清靜得多多了；As soon as I got back to our lodgings, I felt things had grown far quieter still;但子君的凄慘的神色，卻使我很吃驚。but the wretched look on Zijun's face startled me greatly.那是沒有見過的神色，自然是為阿隨。It was an expression I had never seen before, and it was, of course, on account of Ah Sui.但又何至於此呢？But why should it have come to this?我還沒有說起推在土坑裡的事。I had not yet even told her about pushing it into the pit.

我一回寓，觉得又清静得多多了；但子君的凄惨的神色，却使我很吃惊。那是没有见过的神色，自然是为阿随。但又何至于此呢？我还没有说起推在土坑里的事。

到夜間，在她的凄慘的神色中，加上冰冷的分子了。By nighttime, to that wretched look of hers was added a note of icy coldness.

到夜间，在她的凄惨的神色中，加上冰冷的分子了。

「奇怪。——子君，你怎麼今天這樣兒了？」我忍不住問。"How strange. — Zijun, why are you like this today?" I could not help asking.

「奇怪。——子君，你怎么今天这样儿了？」我忍不住问。

「什麼？」她連看也不看我。"What?" She did not even look at me.

「什么？」她连看也不看我。

「你的臉色……。」"Your expression…"

「你的脸色……。」

「沒有什麼，——什麼也沒有。」"It's nothing — nothing at all."

「没有什么，——什么也没有。」

我終於從她言動上看出，她大概已經認定我是一個忍心的人。At last I could tell, from her words and manner, that she must have concluded I was a hard-hearted man.其實，我一個人，是容易生活的，雖然因為驕傲，向來不與世交來往，遷居以後，也疏遠了所有舊識的人，然而只要能遠走高飛，生路還寬廣得很。In truth, on my own, I could live easily enough; though out of pride I had never kept up with family friends, and since moving I had grown distant from all my old acquaintances as well, still, so long as I could fly far away, the road ahead remained wide open.現在忍受著這生活壓迫的苦痛，大半倒是為她，便是放掉阿隨，也何嘗不如此。That I now endured the pain of this life's pressures was, for the most part, for her sake — and letting Ah Sui go had been no different.但子君的識見卻似乎只是淺薄起來，竟至於連這一點也想不到了。But Zijun's understanding seemed only to grow shallower, so much so that she could not even grasp this much.

我终于从她言动上看出，她大概已经认定我是一个忍心的人。其实，我一个人，是容易生活的，虽然因为骄傲，向来不与世交来往，迁居以后，也疏远了所有旧识的人，然而只要能远走高飞，生路还宽广得很。现在忍受著这生活压迫的苦痛，大半倒是为她，便是放掉阿随，也何尝不如此。但子君的识见却似乎只是浅薄起来，竟至于连这一点也想不到了。

我揀了一個機會，將這些道理暗示她；I chose an opportunity to hint at these reasons to her;她領會似的點頭。she nodded as though she understood.然而看她後來的情形，她是沒有懂，或者是並不相信的。But judging from how she behaved afterward, she either had not understood, or simply did not believe it.

我拣了一个机会，将这些道理暗示她；她领会似的点头。然而看她后来的情形，她是没有懂，或者是并不相信的。

天氣的冷和神情的冷，逼迫我不能在家庭中安身。The cold of the weather and the cold of her expression together made it impossible for me to find peace at home.但是，往那裡去呢？But where was I to go?大道上，公園裡，雖然沒有冰冷的神情，冷風究竟也刺得人皮膚欲裂。On the main roads, in the parks, though there were no icy looks to meet, the cold wind still cut at one's skin as though it would split it open.我終於在通俗圖書館里覓得了我的天堂。In the end I found my paradise in the public library.

天气的冷和神情的冷，逼迫我不能在家庭中安身。但是，往那里去呢？大道上，公园里，虽然没有冰冷的神情，冷风究竟也刺得人皮肤欲裂。我终于在通俗图书馆里觅得了我的天堂。

那裡無須買票；There one needed no ticket;閱書室里又裝著兩個鐵火爐。and the reading room besides had two iron stoves installed in it.縱使不過是燒著不死不活的煤的火爐，但單是看見裝著它，精神上也就總覺得有些溫暖。Even though the stoves burned nothing but coal that was neither quite dead nor quite alive, merely seeing them installed there gave one a certain sense of warmth in spirit.書卻無可看：舊的陳腐，新的是幾乎沒有的。As for books, there was nothing worth reading: the old ones were stale, and there were almost no new ones at all.

那里无须买票；阅书室里又装著两个铁火炉。纵使不过是烧著不死不活的煤的火炉，但单是看见装著它，精神上也就总觉得有些温暖。书却无可看：旧的陈腐，新的是几乎没有的。

好在我到那裡去也並非為看書。Fortunately, I had not gone there to read anyway.另外時常還有幾個人，多則十餘人，都是單薄衣裳，正如我，各人看各人的書，作為取暖的口實。Besides myself there were often a few other people, at most a dozen or so, all in thin clothing just as I was, each reading his own book as a pretext for keeping warm.這於我尤為合式。This suited me particularly well.道路上容易遇見熟人，得到輕蔑的一瞥，但此地卻決無那樣的橫禍，因為他們是永遠圍在別的鐵爐旁，或者靠在自家的白爐邊的。On the streets one might easily run into an acquaintance and receive a scornful glance, but here there was never any such misfortune to fear, for they were forever gathered round some other iron stove, or leaning by their own white one at home.

好在我到那里去也并非为看书。另外时常还有几个人，多则十余人，都是单薄衣裳，正如我，各人看各人的书，作为取暖的口实。这于我尤为合式。道路上容易遇见熟人，得到轻蔑的一瞥，但此地却决无那样的横祸，因为他们是永远围在别的铁炉旁，或者靠在自家的白炉边的。

那裡雖然沒有書給我看，卻還有安閑容得我想。Though there was no book there worth my reading, there was still a peaceful leisure that allowed me to think.待到孤身枯坐，回憶從前，這才覺得大半年來，只為了愛，——盲目的愛，——而將別的人生的要義全盤疏忽了。Sitting there alone, in dry stillness, recalling the past, it was only then that I realized that for more than half a year I had, for the sake of love alone — blind love — utterly neglected every other essential matter of life.第一，便是生活。The first of these was livelihood.人必生活著，愛才有所附麗。A person must first live, before love has anything to attach itself to.世界上並非沒有為了奮鬥者而開的活路；The world is not without a path open to those who struggle on;我也還未忘卻翅子的扇動，雖然比先前已經頹唐得多……。and I too had not yet forgotten how to beat my wings, though I had grown far more despondent than before…

那里虽然没有书给我看，却还有安闲容得我想。待到孤身枯坐，回忆从前，这才觉得大半年来，只为了爱，——盲目的爱，——而将别的人生的要义全盘疏忽了。第一，便是生活。人必生活著，爱才有所附丽。世界上并非没有为了奋斗者而开的活路；我也还未忘却翅子的扇动，虽然比先前已经颓唐得多……。

屋子和讀者漸漸消失了，我看見怒濤中的漁夫，戰壕中的兵士，摩托車中的貴人，洋場上的投機家，深山密林中的豪傑，講臺上的教授，昏夜的運動者和深夜的偷兒……。The room and the other readers gradually faded away, and I saw a fisherman amid raging waves, a soldier in the trenches, a nobleman in his motorcar, a speculator on the foreign concessions' exchange, a hero deep in the mountain forests, a professor on the lecture platform, an activist moving under cover of dusk, and a thief in the depths of night…子君，——不在近旁。Zijun — was not there beside me.她的勇氣都失掉了，只為著阿隨悲憤，為著做飯出神；She had lost all her courage, grieving and indignant only over Ah Sui, lost in a daze only over the cooking of meals;然而奇怪的是倒也並不怎樣瘦損……。and yet, strangely enough, she had not grown very much thinner for it…

屋子和读者渐渐消失了，我看见怒涛中的渔夫，战壕中的兵士，摩托车中的贵人，洋场上的投机家，深山密林中的豪杰，讲台上的教授，昏夜的运动者和深夜的偷儿……。子君，——不在近旁。她的勇气都失掉了，只为著阿随悲愤，为著做饭出神；然而奇怪的是倒也并不怎样瘦损……。

冷了起來，火爐里的不死不活的幾片硬煤，也終於燒盡了，已是閉館的時候。The cold set in again; the few lumps of hard coal in the stove, neither quite dead nor quite alive, at last burned out — it was already closing time.又須回到吉兆衚衕，領略冰冷的顏色去了。Once more I had to go back to Jizhao Hutong, to face that icy look again.近來也間或遇到溫暖的神情，但這卻反而增加我的苦痛。Of late I did occasionally meet with a warmer expression, but this only added to my suffering instead.記得有一夜，子君的眼裡忽而又發出久已不見的稚氣的光來，笑著和我談到還在會館時候的情形，時時又很帶些恐怖的神色。I remember one night, Zijun's eyes suddenly lit up again with a childlike gleam I had not seen in a long while, and, smiling, she talked with me of how things had been back at the hostel, though every so often a look of fear would cross her face.我知道我近來的超過她的冷漠，已經引起她的憂疑來，只得也勉力談笑，想給她一點慰藉。I knew that my coldness of late, greater even than her own, had already stirred up her anxious suspicion, and so I too forced myself to talk and laugh, hoping to give her some small comfort.然而我的笑貌一上臉，我的話一齣口，卻即刻變為空虛，這空虛又即刻發生反響，迴向我的耳目里，給我一個難堪的惡毒的冷嘲。Yet the moment a smile came to my face, the moment the words left my mouth, they turned at once hollow, and this hollowness at once echoed back into my own ears and eyes, giving me a mortifying, malicious mockery of myself.子君似乎也覺得的，從此便失掉了她往常的麻木似的鎮靜，雖然竭力掩飾，總還是時時露出憂疑的神色來，但對我卻溫和得多了。Zijun seemed to sense this too, and from then on lost that numb sort of composure she used to have; though she tried her best to hide it, she still let a look of anxious suspicion show through from time to time — yet she became much gentler toward me.

冷了起来，火炉里的不死不活的几片硬煤，也终于烧尽了，已是闭馆的时候。又须回到吉兆胡同，领略冰冷的颜色去了。近来也间或遇到温暖的神情，但这却反而增加我的苦痛。记得有一夜，子君的眼里忽而又发出久已不见的稚气的光来，笑著和我谈到还在会馆时候的情形，时时又很带些恐怖的神色。我知道我近来的超过她的冷漠，已经引起她的忧疑来，只得也勉力谈笑，想给她一点慰藉。然而我的笑貌一上脸，我的话一出口，却即刻变为空虚，这空虚又即刻发生反响，回向我的耳目里，给我一个难堪的恶毒的冷嘲。子君似乎也觉得的，从此便失掉了她往常的麻木似的镇静，虽然竭力掩饰，总还是时时露出忧疑的神色来，但对我却温和得多了。

我要明告她，但我還沒有敢，當決心要說的時候，看見她孩子一般的眼色，就使我只得暫且改作勉強的歡容。I wanted to tell her plainly, but I had not yet dared to; just as I resolved to speak, the sight of her childlike eyes made me change course and put on, for the time being, a forced look of cheer instead.但是這又即刻來冷嘲我，並使我失卻那冷漠的鎮靜。But this too came at once to mock me coldly, and cost me even that composure of indifference.

我要明告她，但我还没有敢，当决心要说的时候，看见她孩子一般的眼色，就使我只得暂且改作勉强的欢容。但是这又即刻来冷嘲我，并使我失却那冷漠的镇静。

她從此又開始了往事的溫習和新的考驗，逼我做出許多虛偽的溫存的答案來，將溫存示給她，虛偽的草稿便寫在自己的心上。From then on she once again took up the reviewing of old times and the setting of new tests, forcing me to give many false, tender answers — and in showing her that tenderness, the false draft of it was written upon my own heart.我的心漸被這些草稿填滿了，常覺得難於呼吸。My heart was gradually filled with these drafts, until I often felt it hard to breathe.我在苦惱中常常想，說真實自然須有極大的勇氣的；In my anguish I often thought that to speak the truth naturally requires great courage;假如沒有這勇氣，而苟安於虛偽，那也便是不能開闢新的生路的人。if one lacks this courage, and instead settles for a life of falsehood, then one is a person incapable of opening up a new path of life.不獨不是這個，連這人也未嘗有！Not only was I not that person — such a person had never even existed!

她从此又开始了往事的温习和新的考验，逼我做出许多虚伪的温存的答案来，将温存示给她，虚伪的草稿便写在自己的心上。我的心渐被这些草稿填满了，常觉得难于呼吸。我在苦恼中常常想，说真实自然须有极大的勇气的；假如没有这勇气，而苟安于虚伪，那也便是不能开辟新的生路的人。不独不是这个，连这人也未尝有！

子君有怨色，在早晨，極冷的早晨，這是從未見過的，但也許是從我看來的怨色。Zijun wore a look of resentment — in the morning, a bitterly cold morning, something I had never seen before, though perhaps it was only resentment as I saw it.我那時冷冷地氣憤和暗笑了；At that moment I felt a cold anger, and I laughed inwardly;她所磨練的思想和豁達無畏的言論，到底也還是一個空虛，而對於這空虛卻並未自覺。The thinking she had cultivated, and her open-minded, fearless words, were after all still nothing but emptiness — and of this emptiness she herself remained unaware.她早已什麼書也不看，已不知道人的生活的第一著是求生，向著這求生的道路，是必須攜手同行，或奮身孤往的了，倘使只知道捶著一個人的衣角，那便是雖戰士也難於戰鬥，只得一同滅亡。She had long since stopped reading any books at all, and no longer understood that the first task of human life is to survive, and that on this road toward survival one must either join hands and walk together, or strike out boldly alone; if one only knows how to clutch at the hem of another's robe, then even a warrior would find it hard to fight, and the two would only perish together.

子君有怨色，在早晨，极冷的早晨，这是从未见过的，但也许是从我看来的怨色。我那时冷冷地气愤和暗笑了；她所磨练的思想和豁达无畏的言论，到底也还是一个空虚，而对于这空虚却并未自觉。她早已什么书也不看，已不知道人的生活的第一著是求生，向著这求生的道路，是必须携手同行，或奋身孤往的了，倘使只知道捶著一个人的衣角，那便是虽战士也难于战斗，只得一同灭亡。

我覺得新的希望就只在我們的分離；I felt that our new hope lay only in our separation;她應該決然捨去，——我也突然想到她的死，然而立刻自責，懺悔了。she ought to resolve to leave — and I suddenly thought of her death, but at once I reproached and repented myself.幸而是早晨，時間正多，我可以說我的真實。Fortunately it was morning, and there was still plenty of time; I could speak my truth.我們的新的道路的開闢，便在這一遭。The opening of our new road would come with this very moment.

我觉得新的希望就只在我们的分离；她应该决然舍去，——我也突然想到她的死，然而立刻自责，忏悔了。幸而是早晨，时间正多，我可以说我的真实。我们的新的道路的开辟，便在这一遭。

我和她閑談，故意地引起我們的往事，提到文藝，於是涉及外國的文人，文人的作品：《諾拉》，《海的女人》。I chatted idly with her, deliberately calling up our past, mentioning literature, and so touching on foreign writers and their works: A Doll's House, The Lady from the Sea.稱揚諾拉的果決……。I praised Nora's resolve...也還是去年在會館的破屋裡講過的那些話，但現在已經變成空虛，從我的嘴傳入自己的耳中，時時疑心有一個隱形的壞孩子，在背後惡意地刻毒地學舌。These were the very same words I had spoken last year in that shabby room at the hostel, but now they had turned into emptiness — passing from my own mouth into my own ears, so that again and again I suspected some invisible mischievous child was behind me, maliciously and spitefully mimicking my words.

我和她闲谈，故意地引起我们的往事，提到文艺，于是涉及外国的文人，文人的作品：《诺拉》，《海的女人》。称扬诺拉的果决……。也还是去年在会馆的破屋里讲过的那些话，但现在已经变成空虚，从我的嘴传入自己的耳中，时时疑心有一个隐形的坏孩子，在背后恶意地刻毒地学舌。

她還是點頭答應著傾聽，後來沉默了。She still nodded along as she listened, but afterward fell silent.我也就斷續地說完了我的話，連餘音都消失在虛空中了。I too finished my words in fits and starts, until even their echo vanished into the void.

她还是点头答应著倾听，后来沉默了。我也就断续地说完了我的话，连余音都消失在虚空中了。

「是的。」她又沉默了一會，說，「但是，……"Yes." She fell silent again for a moment, then said, "But... 涓生，我覺得你近來很兩樣了。Juansheng, I feel you've been very different lately.可是的？Is that so?你，——你老實告訴我。」You — you tell me honestly."

「是的。」她又沉默了一会，说，「但是，……涓生，我觉得你近来很两样了。可是的？你，——你老实告诉我。」

我覺得這似乎給了我當頭一擊，但也立即定了神，說出我的意見和主張來：新的路的開闢，新的生活的再造，為的是免得一同滅亡。I felt as though this struck me a blow on the head, but I steadied myself at once and spoke out my views and convictions: the opening of a new road, the remaking of a new life, so as to avoid perishing together.

我觉得这似乎给了我当头一击，但也立即定了神，说出我的意见和主张来：新的路的开辟，新的生活的再造，为的是免得一同灭亡。

臨末，我用了十分的決心，加上這幾句話：At the end, summoning all my resolve, I added these few words:

临末，我用了十分的决心，加上这几句话：

「……"...況且你已經可以無須顧慮，勇往直前了。Besides, you can now go forward bravely, with nothing to hold you back.你要我老實說；You want me to speak honestly;是的，人是不該虛偽的。yes, one ought not to be false.我老實說罷：因為，因為我已經不愛你了！I'll say it honestly then: because — because I no longer love you!但這於你倒好得多，因為你更可以毫無掛念地做事……。」But this is really much better for you, because you can then go about things with nothing weighing on your mind..."

「……况且你已经可以无须顾虑，勇往直前了。你要我老实说；是的，人是不该虚伪的。我老实说罢：因为，因为我已经不爱你了！但这于你倒好得多，因为你更可以毫无挂念地做事……。」

我同時豫期著大的變故的到來，然而只有沉默。At the same time I anticipated some great upheaval to come, yet there was only silence.她臉色陡然變成灰黃，死了似的；Her face suddenly turned an ashen yellow, as if lifeless;瞬間便又蘇生，眼裡也發了稚氣的閃閃的光澤。but in an instant it revived, and her eyes shone with a childlike glimmer.這眼光射向四處，正如孩子在饑渴中尋求著慈愛的母親，但只在空中尋求，恐怖地迴避著我的眼。That gaze darted in every direction, just like a child hungry and thirsty searching for a loving mother, yet searching only in empty air, fearfully avoiding my eyes.

我同时豫期著大的变故的到来，然而只有沉默。她脸色陡然变成灰黄，死了似的；瞬间便又苏生，眼里也发了稚气的闪闪的光泽。这眼光射向四处，正如孩子在饥渴中寻求著慈爱的母亲，但只在空中寻求，恐怖地回避著我的眼。

我不能看下去了，幸而是早晨，我冒著寒風徑奔通俗圖書館。I could not bear to watch any longer; fortunately it was morning, and braving the cold wind I hurried straight to the public library.

我不能看下去了，幸而是早晨，我冒著寒风径奔通俗图书馆。

在那裡看見《自由之友》，我的小品文都登出了。There I saw that Friends of Freedom had published all my short essays.這使我一驚，仿佛得了一點生氣。This gave me a start, and I felt as if I had gained a little life.我想，生活的路還很多，——但是，現在這樣也還是不行的。I thought, there are still many roads of life open — but, going on like this, it still would not do.

在那里看见《自由之友》，我的小品文都登出了。这使我一惊，仿佛得了一点生气。我想，生活的路还很多，——但是，现在这样也还是不行的。

我開始去訪問久已不相聞問的熟人，但這也不過一兩次；I began visiting acquaintances I had long lost touch with, but this too lasted only a time or two;他們的屋子自然是暖和的，我在骨髓中卻覺得寒冽。Their rooms were of course warm, yet I felt a chill down to my very marrow.夜間，便蜷伏在比冰還冷的冷屋中。At night, I would curl up in a room colder than ice.

我开始去访问久已不相闻问的熟人，但这也不过一两次；他们的屋子自然是暖和的，我在骨髓中却觉得寒冽。夜间，便蜷伏在比冰还冷的冷屋中。

冰的針刺著我的靈魂，使我永遠苦於麻木的疼痛。Needles of ice pierced my soul, leaving me forever suffering a numb, aching pain.生活的路還很多，我也還沒有忘卻翅子的扇動，我想。——我突然想到她的死，然而立刻自責，懺悔了。There are still many roads of life, I thought, and I have not yet forgotten the beating of wings. — I suddenly thought of her death, but at once I reproached and repented myself.

冰的针刺著我的灵魂，使我永远苦于麻木的疼痛。生活的路还很多，我也还没有忘却翅子的扇动，我想。——我突然想到她的死，然而立刻自责，忏悔了。

在通俗圖書館里往往瞥見一閃的光明，新的生路橫在前面。In the public library I often caught a flash of light, a new road of life lying ahead.她勇猛地覺悟了，毅然走出這冰冷的家，而且，——毫無怨恨的神色。She had bravely awakened, and resolutely walked out of this ice-cold home, and moreover — with not the slightest look of resentment.我便輕如行雲，漂浮空際，上有蔚藍的天，下是深山大海，廣廈高樓，戰場，摩托車，洋場，公館，晴明的鬧市，黑暗的夜……。I would then become as light as a drifting cloud, floating in the sky, above the deep blue heavens, below the deep mountains and vast seas, tall mansions and towers, battlefields, motorcars, foreign settlements, grand houses, bustling streets in bright daylight, and nights of darkness...

在通俗图书馆里往往瞥见一闪的光明，新的生路横在前面。她勇猛地觉悟了，毅然走出这冰冷的家，而且，——毫无怨恨的神色。我便轻如行云，漂浮空际，上有蔚蓝的天，下是深山大海，广厦高楼，战场，摩托车，洋场，公馆，晴明的闹市，黑暗的夜……。

而且，真的，我豫感得這新生面便要來到了。And, truly, I sensed that this new phase of life was about to arrive.

而且，真的，我豫感得这新生面便要来到了。

我們總算度過了極難忍受的冬天，這北京的冬天；We had, after all, made it through that almost unbearable winter, this Beijing winter;就如蜻蜓落在惡作劇的壞孩子的手裡一般，被繫著細線，盡情玩弄，虐待，雖然幸而沒有送掉性命，結果也還是躺在地上，只爭著一個遲早之間。just like a dragonfly fallen into the hands of a mischievous, wicked child, tied with a fine thread and toyed with and tormented at will — though luckily it did not lose its life, in the end it still lay on the ground, the only difference being a matter of sooner or later.

我们总算度过了极难忍受的冬天，这北京的冬天；就如蜻蜓落在恶作剧的坏孩子的手里一般，被系著细线，尽情玩弄，虐待，虽然幸而没有送掉性命，结果也还是躺在地上，只争著一个迟早之间。

寫給《自由之友》的總編輯已經有三封信，這才得到回信，信封里只有兩張書券：兩角的和三角的。I had already written three letters to the chief editor of Friends of Freedom, and only then did I get a reply — inside the envelope were just two book coupons: one worth twenty cents and one worth thirty.我卻單是催，就用了九分的郵票，一天的饑餓，又都白挨給於己一無所得的空虛了。And yet, merely to press for it, I had spent nine cents in postage stamps and a day's hunger, all wasted on an emptiness that gained me nothing.

写给《自由之友》的总编辑已经有三封信，这才得到回信，信封里只有两张书券：两角的和三角的。我却单是催，就用了九分的邮票，一天的饥饿，又都白挨给于己一无所得的空虚了。

然而覺得要來的事，卻終於來到了。Yet the thing I felt was bound to come did, in the end, come.

然而觉得要来的事，却终于来到了。

這是冬春之交的事，風已沒有這麼冷，我也更久地在外面徘徊；This happened at the turn of winter into spring, when the wind was no longer so cold, and I lingered outdoors even longer than before;待到回家，大概已經昏黑。by the time I returned home, it was usually already dusk.就在這樣一個昏黑的晚上，我照常沒精打采地回來，一看見寓所的門，也照常更加喪氣，使腳步放得更緩。It was on just such a dusky evening that I came home as usual, listless and low in spirits, and as usual, the moment I saw the gate of my lodgings, my spirits sank even further, and I slowed my steps still more.但終於走進自己的屋子裡了，沒有燈火；But at last I walked into my own room, where there was no lamp lit;摸火柴點起來時，是異樣的寂寞和空虛！and when I groped for a match and lit it, what met me was a strange loneliness and emptiness!

这是冬春之交的事，风已没有这么冷，我也更久地在外面徘徊；待到回家，大概已经昏黑。就在这样一个昏黑的晚上，我照常没精打采地回来，一看见寓所的门，也照常更加丧气，使脚步放得更缓。但终于走进自己的屋子里了，没有灯火；摸火柴点起来时，是异样的寂寞和空虚！

正在錯愕中，官太太便到窗外來叫我出去。While I was still stunned, the landlady's wife came to the window and called me outside.

正在错愕中，官太太便到窗外来叫我出去。

「今天子君的父親來到這裡，將她接回去了。」她很簡單地說。"Today Zijun's father came here and took her back home," she said simply.

「今天子君的父亲来到这里，将她接回去了。」她很简单地说。

這似乎又不是意料中的事，我便如腦後受了一擊，無言地站著。This seemed, after all, to be something beyond expectation, and I stood there speechless, as if struck a blow to the back of the head.

这似乎又不是意料中的事，我便如脑后受了一击，无言地站著。

「她去了麽？」過了些時，我只問出這樣一句話。"Has she gone?" After a while, this was the only sentence I managed to ask.

「她去了么？」过了些时，我只问出这样一句话。

「她去了。」"She's gone."

「她，——她可說什麼？」"Did she — did she say anything?"

「她，——她可说什么？」

「沒說什麼。"She didn't say anything.單是托我見你回來時告訴你，說她去了。」She only asked me to tell you, when you got back, that she had gone."

「没说什么。单是托我见你回来时告诉你，说她去了。」

我不信；I did not believe it;但是屋子裡是異樣的寂寞和空虛。but the room was filled with a strange loneliness and emptiness.我遍看各處，尋覓子君；I looked everywhere, searching for Zijun;只見幾件破舊而黯淡的傢具，都顯得極其清疏，在證明著它們毫無隱匿一人一物的能力。and saw only a few worn-out, dim pieces of furniture, standing sparse and bare, proving that they had no power to hide a single person or thing.我轉念尋信或她留下的字跡，也沒有；I then thought to look for a letter, or some words she had left behind, but there was none;只是鹽和乾辣椒，麵粉，半株白菜，卻聚集在一處了，旁邊還有幾十枚銅元。only salt, dried chili peppers, flour, and half a head of cabbage had been gathered together in one place, with a few dozen copper coins set beside them.這是我們兩人生活材料的全副，現在她就鄭重地將這留給我一個人，在不言中，教我藉此去維持較久的生活。This was the entire stock of provisions for our two lives; now, without a word, she had solemnly left it all to me alone, teaching me, in her silence, to use it to sustain myself a little longer.

我不信；但是屋子里是异样的寂寞和空虚。我遍看各处，寻觅子君；只见几件破旧而黯淡的家具，都显得极其清疏，在证明著它们毫无隐匿一人一物的能力。我转念寻信或她留下的字迹，也没有；只是盐和干辣椒，面粉，半株白菜，却聚集在一处了，旁边还有几十枚铜元。这是我们两人生活材料的全副，现在她就郑重地将这留给我一个人，在不言中，教我藉此去维持较久的生活。

我似乎被周圍所排擠，奔到院子中間，有昏黑在我的周圍；I felt as if pushed out by everything around me, and rushed to the middle of the courtyard, where darkness surrounded me;正屋的紙窗上映出明亮的燈光，他們正在逗著孩子推笑。on the paper windows of the main house a bright lamplight was cast, where they were teasing their child into laughter.我的心也沉靜下來，覺得在沉重的迫壓中，漸漸隱約地現出脫走的路徑：深山大澤，洋場，電燈下的盛筵；My heart, too, grew calm, and I felt that within the heavy pressure bearing down on me, a path of escape was gradually and dimly appearing: deep mountains and great marshes, foreign settlements, sumptuous banquets under electric lights;壕溝，最黑最黑的深夜，利刃的一擊，毫無聲響的腳步……。trenches, the darkest depths of night, the stroke of a sharp blade, footsteps making no sound at all...

我似乎被周围所排挤，奔到院子中间，有昏黑在我的周围；正屋的纸窗上映出明亮的灯光，他们正在逗著孩子推笑。我的心也沉静下来，觉得在沉重的迫压中，渐渐隐约地现出脱走的路径：深山大泽，洋场，电灯下的盛筵；壕沟，最黑最黑的深夜，利刃的一击，毫无声响的脚步……。

心地有些輕鬆，舒展了，想到旅費，並且噓一口氣。My mind grew somewhat lighter, more at ease; I thought of travel money, and let out a sigh of relief.

心地有些轻松，舒展了，想到旅费，并且嘘一口气。

躺著，在合著的眼前經過的豫想的前途，不到半夜已經現盡；Lying there, before my closed eyes passed imagined visions of the future, and before midnight they had already all played themselves out;暗中忽然仿佛看見一堆食物，這之後，便浮出一個子君的灰黃的臉來，睜了孩子氣的眼睛，懇托似的看著我。in the darkness I suddenly seemed to see a heap of food, and after that, there floated up Zijun's ashen, sallow face, her childlike eyes open wide, looking at me as though in entreaty.我一定神，什麼也沒有了。When I steadied myself, there was nothing there at all.

躺著，在合著的眼前经过的豫想的前途，不到半夜已经现尽；暗中忽然仿佛看见一堆食物，这之后，便浮出一个子君的灰黄的脸来，睁了孩子气的眼睛，恳托似的看著我。我一定神，什么也没有了。

但我的心卻又覺得沉重。But my heart again felt heavy.我為什麼偏不忍耐幾天，要這樣急急地告訴她真話的呢？Why could I not have borne it just a few days longer, instead of rushing so urgently to tell her the truth?現在她知道，她以後所有的只是她父親——兒女的債主——的烈日一般的嚴威和旁人的賽過冰霜的冷眼。Now she would know that all that lay ahead of her was her father's — that creditor of his children's debts — blazing, sun-like severity, and other people's cold looks, colder even than frost.此外便是虛空。Beyond that there was only emptiness.負著虛空的重擔，在嚴威和冷眼中走著所謂人生的路，這是怎麼可怕的事呵！To carry the heavy burden of emptiness, walking the so-called road of life amid such severity and cold looks — what a terrible thing this is!而況這路的盡頭，又不過是——連墓碑也沒有的墳墓。And what is more, the end of that road is nothing but — a grave without even a headstone.

但我的心却又觉得沉重。我为什么偏不忍耐几天，要这样急急地告诉她真话的呢？现在她知道，她以后所有的只是她父亲——儿女的债主——的烈日一般的严威和旁人的赛过冰霜的冷眼。此外便是虚空。负著虚空的重担，在严威和冷眼中走著所谓人生的路，这是怎么可怕的事呵！而况这路的尽头，又不过是——连墓碑也没有的坟墓。

我不應該將真實說給子君，我們相愛過，我應該永久奉獻她我的說謊。I should not have told Zijun the truth; we had loved each other once, and I ought to have offered her my lies forever.如果真實可以寶貴，這在子君就不該是一個沉重的空虛。If truth is something to be treasured, then for Zijun it ought not to have become a heavy emptiness.謊語當然也是一個空虛，然而臨末，至多也不過這樣地沉重。A lie, of course, is also an emptiness, but in the end, at most, it would only weigh this heavily.

我不应该将真实说给子君，我们相爱过，我应该永久奉献她我的说谎。如果真实可以宝贵，这在子君就不该是一个沉重的空虚。谎语当然也是一个空虚，然而临末，至多也不过这样地沉重。

我以為將真實說給子君，她便可以毫無顧慮，堅決地毅然前行，一如我們將要同居時那樣。I had thought that if I told Zijun the truth, she would be able to go forward without any misgivings, resolutely and unwaveringly, just as she had when we were about to live together.但這恐怕是我錯誤了。But I fear I was mistaken in this.她當時的勇敢和無畏是因為愛。Her courage and fearlessness then had come from love.

我以为将真实说给子君，她便可以毫无顾虑，坚决地毅然前行，一如我们将要同居时那样。但这恐怕是我错误了。她当时的勇敢和无畏是因为爱。

我沒有負著虛偽的重擔的勇氣，卻將真實的重擔卸給她了。I lacked the courage to bear the burden of falsehood myself, and instead unloaded the burden of truth onto her.她愛我之後，就要負了這重擔，在嚴威和冷眼中走著所謂人生的路。After she came to love me, she would have to carry this burden, walking the so-called road of life amid such severity and cold looks.

我没有负著虚伪的重担的勇气，却将真实的重担卸给她了。她爱我之后，就要负了这重担，在严威和冷眼中走著所谓人生的路。

我想到她的死……。I thought of her death...我看見我是一個卑怯者，應該被擯於強有力的人們，無論是真實者，虛偽者。I saw that I was a cowardly, contemptible person, one who deserved to be cast out by the strong and the powerful, whether they were people of truth or people of falsehood.然而她卻自始至終，還希望我維持較久的生活……。And yet she, from beginning to end, had still hoped that I might sustain a somewhat longer life...

我想到她的死……。我看见我是一个卑怯者，应该被摈于强有力的人们，无论是真实者，虚伪者。然而她却自始至终，还希望我维持较久的生活……。

我要離開吉兆衚衕，在這裡是異樣的空虛和寂寞。I would leave Jizhao Hutong; here there was nothing but a strange emptiness and loneliness.我想，只要離開這裡，子君便如還在我的身邊；I thought, if only I left this place, it would be as though Zijun were still by my side;至少，也如還在城中，有一天，將要出乎意表地訪我，像住在會館時候似的。or at least, as though she were still somewhere in the city, and one day might unexpectedly come to visit me, just as in the days when I lived at the hostel.

我要离开吉兆胡同，在这里是异样的空虚和寂寞。我想，只要离开这里，子君便如还在我的身边；至少，也如还在城中，有一天，将要出乎意表地访我，像住在会馆时候似的。

然而一切請托和書信，都是一無反響；But every request and every letter met with no response at all;我不得已，只好訪問一個久不問候的世交去了。left with no choice, I went to call on an old family friend I had long neglected.他是我伯父的幼年的同窗，以正經出名的拔貢，寓京很久，交游也廣闊的。He had been my uncle's classmate in boyhood, a senior licentiate renowned for his rectitude, who had lived in Beijing a long time and had a wide circle of acquaintances.

然而一切请托和书信，都是一无反响；我不得已，只好访问一个久不问候的世交去了。他是我伯父的幼年的同窗，以正经出名的拔贡，寓京很久，交游也广阔的。

大概因為衣服的破舊罷，一登門便很遭門房的白眼。Probably because of my shabby clothes, the moment I arrived I met with the gatekeeper's contemptuous stare.好容易才相見，也還相識，但是很冷落。With great difficulty I finally saw him, and he still recognized me, but he was very cold toward me.我們的往事，他全都知道了。He already knew everything about our past.

大概因为衣服的破旧罢，一登门便很遭门房的白眼。好容易才相见，也还相识，但是很冷落。我们的往事，他全都知道了。

「自然，你也不能在這裡了，」他聽了我托他在別處覓事之後，冷冷地說，「但那裡去呢？"Naturally, you can't stay here either," he said coldly, after hearing me ask him to help me find work elsewhere. "But where would you go?很難。——你那，什麼呢，你的朋友罷，子君，你可知道，她死了。」It's very difficult. — And that, what was it, your friend, Zijun — do you know, she's dead."

「自然，你也不能在这里了，」他听了我托他在别处觅事之后，冷冷地说，「但那里去呢？很难。——你那，什么呢，你的朋友罢，子君，你可知道，她死了。」

我驚得沒有話。I was so startled I had no words.

我惊得没有话。

「真的？」我終於不自覺地問。"Really?" I finally asked, without meaning to.

「真的？」我终于不自觉地问。

「哈哈。"Ha ha.自然真的。Of course it's true.我家的王升的家，就和她家同村。」My servant Wang Sheng's family lives in the same village as hers."

「但是，——不知道是怎麼死的？」"But — do you know how she died?"

「但是，——不知道是怎么死的？」

「誰知道呢。"Who knows.總之是死了就是了。」In any case, she's dead, that's all."

「谁知道呢。总之是死了就是了。」

我已經忘卻了怎樣辭別他，回到自己的寓所。I had already forgotten how I took my leave of him and returned to my own lodgings.我知道他是不說謊話的；I knew he was not one to tell lies;子君總不會再來的了，像去年那樣。Zijun would never come again, as she had the year before.她雖是想在嚴威和冷眼中負著虛空的重擔來走所謂人生的路，也已經不能。Even if she had wished to carry the heavy burden of emptiness through severity and cold looks along the so-called road of life, she could no longer do so.她的命運，已經決定她在我所給與的真實——無愛的人間死滅了！Her fate had already determined that she would perish in the truth I had given her — a loveless world!

我已经忘却了怎样辞别他，回到自己的寓所。我知道他是不说谎话的；子君总不会再来的了，像去年那样。她虽是想在严威和冷眼中负著虚空的重担来走所谓人生的路，也已经不能。她的命运，已经决定她在我所给与的真实——无爱的人间死灭了！

自然，我不能在這裡了；Naturally, I could not stay here any longer;但是，「那裡去呢？」But, "Where to go?"

自然，我不能在这里了；但是，「那里去呢？」

四圍是廣大的空虛，還有死的寂靜。All around was vast emptiness, and dead silence.死於無愛的人們的眼前的黑暗，我仿佛一一看見，還聽得一切苦悶和絕望的掙扎的聲音。The darkness before the eyes of those who die without love — I seemed to see it all, one by one, and to hear too the sounds of all their anguished, despairing struggles.

四围是广大的空虚，还有死的寂静。死于无爱的人们的眼前的黑暗，我仿佛一一看见，还听得一切苦闷和绝望的挣扎的声音。

我還期待著新的東西到來，無名的，意外的。I was still waiting for something new to arrive, something nameless, something unexpected.但一天一天，無非是死的寂靜。But day after day, it was nothing but dead silence.

我还期待著新的东西到来，无名的，意外的。但一天一天，无非是死的寂静。

我比先前已經不大出門，只坐卧在廣大的空虛里，一任這死的寂靜侵蝕著我的靈魂。I went out much less than before, only sitting or lying in the vast emptiness, letting this dead silence corrode my soul.死的寂靜有時也自己戰慄，自己退藏，於是在這絕續之交，便閃出無名的，意外的，新的期待。The dead silence would sometimes tremble of itself, and shrink back of itself, and then, at this juncture between cessation and continuation, there would flash out a nameless, unexpected, new expectation.

我比先前已经不大出门，只坐卧在广大的空虚里，一任这死的寂静侵蚀著我的灵魂。死的寂静有时也自己战栗，自己退藏，于是在这绝续之交，便闪出无名的，意外的，新的期待。

一天是陰沉的上午，太陽還不能從雲裡面掙扎出來；One overcast morning, the sun still could not struggle free of the clouds;連空氣都疲乏著。even the air seemed weary.耳中聽到細碎的步聲和咻咻的鼻息，使我睜開眼。My ears caught the sound of soft, broken footsteps and a wheezing breath, which made me open my eyes.大致一看，屋子裡還是空虛；A quick glance showed the room was still empty;但偶然看到地面，卻盤旋著一匹小小的動物，瘦弱的，半死的，滿身灰土的……。but by chance I looked at the floor, and there circling about was a small animal, thin and weak, half-dead, covered all over in gray dust……

一天是阴沉的上午，太阳还不能从云里面挣扎出来；连空气都疲乏著。耳中听到细碎的步声和咻咻的鼻息，使我睁开眼。大致一看，屋子里还是空虚；但偶然看到地面，却盘旋著一匹小小的动物，瘦弱的，半死的，满身灰土的……。

我一細看，我的心就一停，接著便直跳起來。The moment I looked closely, my heart stopped, and then it began to pound.

我一细看，我的心就一停，接著便直跳起来。

那是阿隨。It was Ah Sui.它回來了。It had come back.

那是阿随。它回来了。

我的離開吉兆衚衕，也不單是為了房主人們和他家女工的冷眼，大半就為著這阿隨。My leaving Jizhao Hutong had not been only because of the cold looks from the landlord's family and their maidservant — it was mostly because of this very Ah Sui.但是，「那裡去呢？」新的生路自然還很多，我約略知道，也間或依稀看見，覺得就在我面前，然而我還沒有知道跨進那裡去的第一步的方法。But, "Where to go?" Of course there were still many new paths of life; I knew this roughly, and now and then caught a faint glimpse of them, feeling they were right before me, and yet I still did not know how to take the first step to cross into them.

我的离开吉兆胡同，也不单是为了房主人们和他家女工的冷眼，大半就为著这阿随。但是，「那里去呢？」新的生路自然还很多，我约略知道，也间或依稀看见，觉得就在我面前，然而我还没有知道跨进那里去的第一步的方法。

經過許多回的思量和比較，也還只有會館是還能相容的地方。After many rounds of consideration and comparison, it turned out that the only place that could still tolerate me was the fellow-provincial guild hall.依然是這樣的破屋，這樣的板床，這樣的半枯的槐樹和紫藤，但那時使我希望，歡欣，愛，生活的，卻全都逝去了，只有一個虛空，我用真實去換來的虛空存在。It was still the same shabby room, the same plank bed, the same half-withered locust tree and wisteria, but everything that had once given me hope, joy, love, life, had all vanished; only an emptiness remained, an emptiness I had traded my truthfulness to obtain.

经过许多回的思量和比较，也还只有会馆是还能相容的地方。依然是这样的破屋，这样的板床，这样的半枯的槐树和紫藤，但那时使我希望，欢欣，爱，生活的，却全都逝去了，只有一个虚空，我用真实去换来的虚空存在。

新的生路還很多，我必須跨進去，因為我還活著。There were still many new paths of life, and I had to step into them, because I was still alive.但我還不知道怎樣跨出那第一步。But I still did not know how to take that first step.有時，仿佛看見那生路就像一條灰白的長蛇，自己蜿蜒地向我奔來，我等著，等著，看看臨近，但忽然便消失在黑暗裡了。Sometimes it seemed I saw that path of life like a long, gray-white snake, winding its own way and rushing toward me; I waited, and waited, watching it draw near, but suddenly it would vanish into the darkness.

新的生路还很多，我必须跨进去，因为我还活著。但我还不知道怎样跨出那第一步。有时，仿佛看见那生路就像一条灰白的长蛇，自己蜿蜒地向我奔来，我等著，等著，看看临近，但忽然便消失在黑暗里了。

初春的夜，還是那麼長。The early-spring night was still so long.長久的枯坐中記起上午在街頭所見的葬式，前面是紙人紙馬，後面是唱歌一般的哭聲。Sitting there dully for a long while, I recalled the funeral procession I had seen in the street that morning — paper figures and paper horses in front, and behind them a wailing that sounded like singing.我現在已經知道他們的聰明瞭，這是多麼輕鬆簡截的事。Now I understood their cleverness — what a light and simple matter it was.

初春的夜，还是那么长。长久的枯坐中记起上午在街头所见的葬式，前面是纸人纸马，后面是唱歌一般的哭声。我现在已经知道他们的聪明瞭，这是多么轻松简截的事。

然而子君的葬式卻又在我的眼前，是獨自負著虛空的重擔，在灰白的長路上前行，而又即刻消失在周圍的嚴威和冷眼裡了。And yet Zijun's funeral appeared before my eyes again — alone, bearing the heavy burden of emptiness, walking forward on the long gray-white road, and then instantly vanishing amid the stern authority and cold stares around her.

然而子君的葬式却又在我的眼前，是独自负著虚空的重担，在灰白的长路上前行，而又即刻消失在周围的严威和冷眼里了。

我願意真有所謂鬼魂，真有所謂地獄，那麼，即使在孽風怒吼之中，我也將尋覓子君，當面說出我的悔恨和悲哀，祈求她的饒恕；I wished that there truly were such things as ghosts, truly such a thing as hell; then, even amid the raging winds of retribution, I would seek out Zijun, and speak to her face to face of my remorse and my sorrow, and beg her forgiveness;否則，地獄的毒焰將圍繞我，猛烈地燒盡我的悔恨和悲哀。otherwise, the poisonous flames of hell would surround me, and fiercely burn away all my remorse and my sorrow.

我愿意真有所谓鬼魂，真有所谓地狱，那么，即使在孽风怒吼之中，我也将寻觅子君，当面说出我的悔恨和悲哀，祈求她的饶恕；否则，地狱的毒焰将围绕我，猛烈地烧尽我的悔恨和悲哀。

我將在孽風和毒焰中擁抱子君，乞她寬容，或者使她快意……。I would embrace Zijun amid the winds of retribution and the poisonous flames, begging her forbearance, or else giving her some satisfaction……

我将在孽风和毒焰中拥抱子君，乞她宽容，或者使她快意……。

但是，這卻更虛空於新的生路；But this was even emptier than the new path of life;現在所有的只是初春的夜，竟還是那麼長。all that existed now was the early-spring night, which was, after all, still so long.我活著，我總得向著新的生路跨出去，那第一步，——卻不過是寫下我的悔恨和悲哀，為子君，為自己。I was alive, and I must, after all, step out toward the new path of life; that first step — was, however, no more than to write down my remorse and my sorrow, for Zijun's sake, and for my own.

但是，这却更虚空于新的生路；现在所有的只是初春的夜，竟还是那么长。我活著，我总得向著新的生路跨出去，那第一步，——却不过是写下我的悔恨和悲哀，为子君，为自己。

我仍然只有唱歌一般的哭聲，給子君送葬，葬在遺忘中。I still had only a wailing that sounded like singing, with which to send Zijun to her grave, burying her in forgetfulness.

我仍然只有唱歌一般的哭声，给子君送葬，葬在遗忘中。

我要遺忘；I want to forget;我為自己，並且要不再想到這用了遺忘給子君送葬。I want, for my own sake, to no longer think of this — that I used forgetting to bury Zijun.

我要遗忘；我为自己，并且要不再想到这用了遗忘给子君送葬。

我要向著新的生路跨進第一步去，我要將真實深深地藏在心的創傷中，默默地前行，用遺忘和說謊做我的前導……。I want to step forward, taking that first step toward the new path of life; I want to bury the truth deep within the wound in my heart, and walk on in silence, taking forgetting and lying as my guides……

我要向著新的生路跨进第一步去，我要将真实深深地藏在心的创伤中，默默地前行，用遗忘和说谎做我的前导……。

一九二五年十月二十一日畢Finished on October 21, 1925.

一九二五年十月二十一日毕