蔦蘿行 Wisteria and Dodder

同居的人全出外去後的這沉寂的午後的空氣中獨坐著的我，表面上雖則同春天的海面似的平靜，然而我胸中的寂寥，我腦裡的愁思，什麼人能夠推想得出來？I sit alone in the silent afternoon air, now that everyone living with me has gone out; on the surface I may be as calm as the spring sea, but who could ever guess at the loneliness in my breast, the melancholy thoughts in my head?現在是三點三十分了。It is now half past three.外面的馬路，大約有和暖的陽光夾著的春風，在那裡助長青年男女的游春的興致，但我這房裡的透明的空氣，何以會這樣的沉重呢？Out on the road, the warm sunlight mingled with the spring breeze is no doubt fanning the spirits of young men and women out on their spring outings — but why should the clear air in this room of mine feel so heavy?龍華附近的桃林草地上，大約有許多穿著時式花樣的輕綢繡緞的戀愛者在那裡對著蒼空發愉樂的清歌，但我的這玻璃窗透過來的半角青天，何以總帶著一副嘲弄我的形容呢？In the peach groves and grassy fields near Longhua, there are probably many lovers dressed in fashionable light silks and embroidered satins, singing merry songs to the blue sky — but why does the corner of blue sky showing through my glass window always wear an expression that seems to mock me?啊啊，在這樣薄寒輕暖的時候，當這樣有作有為的年紀，我的生命力，我的活動力，何以會同冰雪下的草芽一樣，一些兒也生長不出來？Ah, at such a season of light chill and mild warmth, at such an age when a man ought to be up and doing, why should my life-force, my energy, be like a blade of grass beneath ice and snow, unable to grow even a little?啊啊，我的女人！Ah, my woman!我的不能愛而又不得不愛的女人！My woman whom I cannot love and yet cannot help but love!我終覺得對你不起！I feel, after all, that I have wronged you!

同居的人全出外去后的这沉寂的午后的空气中独坐著的我，表面上虽则同春天的海面似的平静，然而我胸中的寂寥，我脑里的愁思，什么人能够推想得出来？现在是三点三十分了。外面的马路，大约有和暖的阳光夹著的春风，在那里助长青年男女的游春的兴致，但我这房里的透明的空气，何以会这样的沉重呢？龙华附近的桃林草地上，大约有许多穿著时式花样的轻绸绣缎的恋爱者在那里对著苍空发愉乐的清歌，但我的这玻璃窗透过来的半角青天，何以总带著一副嘲弄我的形容呢？啊啊，在这样薄寒轻暖的时候，当这样有作有为的年纪，我的生命力，我的活动力，何以会同冰雪下的草芽一样，一些儿也生长不出来？啊啊，我的女人！我的不能爱而又不得不爱的女人！我终觉得对你不起！

計算起來你的列車大約已經好過松江驛了，但你一個人抱了小孩在車窗裡呆看陌上行人的景狀，我好像在你旁邊看守著的樣子。By my reckoning your train must already have passed Songjiang station, and though you sit there alone with the child in your arms, gazing blankly out the window at the travelers on the road, it feels as if I were there beside you, watching over you.可憐你一個弱女子，從來沒有單獨出過門，你此刻呆坐在車裡，大約在那裡回憶我們兩人同居時候，我虐待你的一件件的事實了！Poor you, a frail woman who has never before traveled alone — sitting there blankly in the train now, you are surely recalling, one by one, all the ways I mistreated you while we lived together!啊啊，我的女人，我的不得不愛的女人，你不要在車中滴下眼淚來，我平時雖則常常虐待你，但我的心中卻在哀憐你的，卻在痛愛你的，不過我在社會上受來的種種苦楚、壓迫、侮辱，若不向你發洩，教我更向誰去發洩呢！Ah, my woman, my woman whom I cannot help but love, do not let your tears fall there in the train. Though I often mistreated you, in my heart I have always pitied you, always loved you dearly — it is only that all the suffering, oppression, and humiliation I have received from society, if I did not vent it upon you, upon whom else could I vent it!啊啊，我的最愛的女人，你若知道我這一層隱哀，你就該饒恕我了。Ah, my most beloved woman, if you knew this hidden sorrow of mine, you would surely forgive me.

计算起来你的列车大约已经好过松江驿了，但你一个人抱了小孩在车窗里呆看陌上行人的景状，我好像在你旁边看守著的样子。可怜你一个弱女子，从来没有单独出过门，你此刻呆坐在车里，大约在那里回忆我们两人同居时候，我虐待你的一件件的事实了！啊啊，我的女人，我的不得不爱的女人，你不要在车中滴下眼泪来，我平时虽则常常虐待你，但我的心中却在哀怜你的，却在痛爱你的，不过我在社会上受来的种种苦楚、压迫、侮辱，若不向你发泄，教我更向谁去发泄呢！啊啊，我的最爱的女人，你若知道我这一层隐哀，你就该饶恕我了。

唉，今天是舊曆的二月二十一日，今天正是清明節呀！Ah, today is the twenty-first day of the second month by the old calendar — today is Qingming Festival!大約各處的男女都出到郊外去踏青的，你在車窗裡見了火車路線兩旁郊野裡在那裡遊行的夫婦，你能不怨我的麼？Men and women everywhere are surely out in the countryside for the spring outing; seeing from the train window the couples strolling in the fields along the railway line, how could you not resent me?你怨我也罷了，你倘能恨我怨我，怨得我望我速死，那就好了。It would be well enough if you merely resented me — if you could hate me and resent me so much that you wished for my speedy death, that would be good.但是辦不到的，怎麼也辦不到的，你一邊怨我，一邊又必在原諒我的，啊啊，我一想到你這一種優美的靈心。But that cannot be done, no matter what, it cannot be done — even as you resent me, you will surely be forgiving me at the same time. Ah, when I think of this beautiful soul of yours...教我如何能忍得過去呢！How could I ever bear it!

唉，今天是旧历的二月二十一日，今天正是清明节呀！大约各处的男女都出到郊外去踏青的，你在车窗里见了火车路线两旁郊野里在那里游行的夫妇，你能不怨我的么？你怨我也罢了，你倘能恨我怨我，怨得我望我速死，那就好了。但是办不到的，怎么也办不到的，你一边怨我，一边又必在原谅我的，啊啊，我一想到你这一种优美的灵心。教我如何能忍得过去呢！

細數從前，我同你結婚之後，共享的安樂日子，能有幾日？Counting carefully, since you and I married, how many days of peace and happiness have we shared together?我十七歲去國之後，一直的在無情的異國蟄住了八年。After I left my country at seventeen, I lay hidden away for eight straight years in a heartless foreign land.這八年中間就是暑假寒假也不回國來的原因，你知道麼？Do you know the reason why, during those eight years, I did not come home even for summer or winter vacation?我八年間不回國來的事實，就是我對舊式的、父母主張的婚約的反抗呀！The fact that I did not return home for eight years — that in itself was my rebellion against the old-style marriage arranged by our parents!這原不是你的錯，也不是我的錯，作孽者是你的父母和我的母親。This, to begin with, was neither your fault nor mine — the ones who committed the sin were your parents and my mother.但我在這八年之中，不該默默的無所表示的。But during those eight years, I should not have remained silent, showing no sign of protest.

细数从前，我同你结婚之后，共享的安乐日子，能有几日？我十七岁去国之后，一直的在无情的异国蛰住了八年。这八年中间就是暑假寒假也不回国来的原因，你知道么？我八年间不回国来的事实，就是我对旧式的、父母主张的婚约的反抗呀！这原不是你的错，也不是我的错，作孽者是你的父母和我的母亲。但我在这八年之中，不该默默的无所表示的。

後來看到了我們鄉間的風習的牢不可破，離婚的事情的萬不可能，又因你家父母的日日的催促，我的母親的含淚規勸，大前年的夏天，我才勉強應承了與你結婚。Later, seeing how unbreakable the customs of our countryside were, how utterly impossible divorce was, and pressed further by your parents' daily urging and my mother's tearful pleading, in the summer of three years ago I finally, reluctantly, agreed to marry you.但當時我提出的種種苛刻的條件，想起來我在此刻還覺得心痛。But even now, thinking back on the many harsh conditions I laid down at the time, my heart still aches.我們也沒有結婚的種種儀式，也沒有證婚的媒人，也沒有請親朋來喝酒，也沒有點一對蠟燭，放幾聲花炮。We had none of the customary wedding ceremonies — no matchmaker to witness the marriage, no relatives or friends invited to drink, not even a pair of candles lit, nor a few firecrackers set off.你在將夜的時候，坐了一乘小轎從去城六十裡的你的家鄉到了縣城裡的我的家裡，我的母親陪你吃了一碗晚飯，你就一個人摸上樓上我的房裡去睡了。As night was falling, you came in a small sedan chair from your home village sixty li from the town, to my family's house in the county seat; my mother sat with you while you ate a bowl of supper, and then you groped your way up alone to my room upstairs to sleep.那時候聽說你正患瘧疾。I heard that you were suffering from malaria at the time.我到夜半拿了一枝蠟燭上床來睡的時候，只見你穿了一件白紡綢的單衫，在暗黑中朝裡床睡在那裡。When I came to bed at midnight, candle in hand, I saw you lying there in the darkness, dressed in a single white pongee-silk shirt, facing the inner side of the bed.你聽見了我上床來的聲音，卻朝轉來默默的對我看了一眼。Hearing the sound of me getting into bed, you turned over and looked at me once, in silence.啊！Ah!那時候的你的憔悴的形容，你的水汪汪的兩眼，神經常在那裡顫動的你的小小的嘴唇，我就是到死也忘不了的。Your haggard look at that moment, your moist, watery eyes, your small lips trembling faintly with nerves — these I shall never forget, even unto death.我現在想起來還要滴眼淚哩！Even now, thinking of it, tears well up in my eyes!

后来看到了我们乡间的风习的牢不可破，离婚的事情的万不可能，又因你家父母的日日的催促，我的母亲的含泪规劝，大前年的夏天，我才勉强应承了与你结婚。但当时我提出的种种苛刻的条件，想起来我在此刻还觉得心痛。我们也没有结婚的种种仪式，也没有证婚的媒人，也没有请亲朋来喝酒，也没有点一对蜡烛，放几声花炮。你在将夜的时候，坐了一乘小轿从去城六十里的你的家乡到了县城里的我的家里，我的母亲陪你吃了一碗晚饭，你就一个人摸上楼上我的房里去睡了。那时候听说你正患疟疾。我到夜半拿了一枝蜡烛上床来睡的时候，只见你穿了一件白纺绸的单衫，在暗黑中朝里床睡在那里。你听见了我上床来的声音，却朝转来默默的对我看了一眼。啊！那时候的你的憔悴的形容，你的水汪汪的两眼，神经常在那里颤动的你的小小的嘴唇，我就是到死也忘不了的。我现在想起来还要滴眼泪哩！

在窮鄉僻壤生長的你，自幼也不曾進過學校，也不曾呼吸過通都大邑的空氣，提了一雙纖細纏小了的足，抱了一箱家塾裡念過的列女傳、女四書等舊籍，到了我的家裡。You, who grew up in a poor and remote village, had never as a child attended school, had never breathed the air of a great city; on a pair of slender, tightly bound feet you came to my house, carrying a chest of old books you had studied at the family school — the Biographies of Exemplary Women, the Four Books for Women, and the like.既不知女人的嬌媚是如何裝作，又不知時樣的衣裳是如何剪裁。You knew neither how a woman might affect charm and allure, nor how fashionable clothes were to be cut.你只奉了柔順兩字，作了你的行動的規範。You took only the two words 'gentle obedience' as the rule that governed your every action.

在穷乡僻壤生长的你，自幼也不曾进过学校，也不曾呼吸过通都大邑的空气，提了一双纤细缠小了的足，抱了一箱家塾里念过的列女传、女四书等旧籍，到了我的家里。既不知女人的娇媚是如何装作，又不知时样的衣裳是如何剪裁。你只奉了柔顺两字，作了你的行动的规范。

結婚之後，因為城中天氣暑熱的緣故，你就同我同上你家去住了幾天，總算過了幾天的安樂的日子；After the wedding, because the weather in town was so hot, you and I went together to stay at your family's home for a few days, and we did, after all, pass a few peaceful, happy days;但無端又遇了你侄兒的暴行，淘了許多說不出來的閒氣，滴了許多拭不乾淨的眼淚，我與你在你侄兒鬧事的第二天就匆匆的回到了城裡的家中。but then, for no reason, we ran into your nephew's violent behavior, and endured much unspeakable, petty anger, and shed many tears that could not be wiped dry; the day after your nephew made his scene, you and I hurried back to our home in town.過了兩三天我又害起病來，你也瘧疾復發了。Two or three days later I fell ill again, and your malaria returned as well.我就決定挨著病離開了我那空氣沉濁的故鄉。So, ill as I was, I made up my mind and left that stifling, murky hometown of mine.將行的前夜，你也不說什麼，我也沒有什麼話好對你說。On the night before I left, you said nothing much, and I had nothing much to say to you either.我從朋友家裡喝醉了酒回來，睡在床上，只見你呆呆的坐在灰黃的燈下。I came back drunk from a friend's house and lay down on the bed, and there you sat, blankly, beneath the dim yellow lamp.可憐你一直到第二天的早晨我將要上船的時候止，終沒有橫到我床邊上來睡一忽兒，也沒有講一句話，第二天天剛亮的時候，母親就來催我起身，說輪船已到鹿山腳下了。Poor you — right up until the next morning, when I was about to board the ship, you never once lay down beside me on the bed for even a moment, nor did you speak a single word; and just as day broke, my mother came to hurry me up, saying the steamer had already reached the foot of Lushan.

结婚之后，因为城中天气暑热的缘故，你就同我同上你家去住了几天，总算过了几天的安乐的日子；但无端又遇了你侄儿的暴行，淘了许多说不出来的闲气，滴了许多拭不干净的眼泪，我与你在你侄儿闹事的第二天就匆匆的回到了城里的家中。过了两三天我又害起病来，你也疟疾复发了。我就决定挨著病离开了我那空气沉浊的故乡。将行的前夜，你也不说什么，我也没有什么话好对你说。我从朋友家里喝醉了酒回来，睡在床上，只见你呆呆的坐在灰黄的灯下。可怜你一直到第二天的早晨我将要上船的时候止，终没有横到我床边上来睡一忽儿，也没有讲一句话，第二天天刚亮的时候，母亲就来催我起身，说轮船已到鹿山脚下了。

從此一別，又同你遠隔了兩年。From that parting on, I was separated from you again, far away, for two more years.你常常寫信來說家裡的老祖母在那裡想念我，暑假寒假若有空閒，叫我回家來探望探望祖母母親，但我因為異鄉的花草，和年輕的朋友挽留我的緣故，終究沒有回來。You often wrote to tell me that our old grandmother at home was longing for me, and that if I had any free time during summer or winter vacation, I should come home to see her and my mother — but because of the flowers and grasses of that foreign land, and because my young friends kept urging me to stay, in the end I never came home.

从此一别，又同你远隔了两年。你常常写信来说家里的老祖母在那里想念我，暑假寒假若有空闲，叫我回家来探望探望祖母母亲，但我因为异乡的花草，和年轻的朋友挽留我的缘故，终究没有回来。

唉唉！Ah, ah!那兩年中間的我的生活！My life, during those two years!紅燈綠酒的沉湎，荒妄的邪遊，不義的淫樂。Steeped in red lanterns and green wine, in reckless and dissolute wanderings, in unrighteous and licentious pleasures.在中宵酒醒的時候，在秋風涼冷的月下，我也曾想念及你，我也曾痛哭過幾次。Waking from drink in the middle of the night, beneath the moon under a cold autumn wind, I did sometimes think of you, and I did weep bitterly a few times.但靈魂喪失了的那一群嫵媚的遊女，和他們的嬌豔動人的佯啼假笑，終究把我的天良迷住了。But that crowd of charming women of pleasure, their souls already lost, and their alluring, affecting pretense of tears and laughter, in the end bewitched my conscience away.

唉唉！那两年中间的我的生活！红灯绿酒的沉湎，荒妄的邪游，不义的淫乐。在中宵酒醒的时候，在秋风凉冷的月下，我也曾想念及你，我也曾痛哭过几次。但灵魂丧失了的那一群妩媚的游女，和他们的娇艳动人的佯啼假笑，终究把我的天良迷住了。

前年秋天我雖回國了一次，但因為朋友邀我上A地去了，我又沒有回到故鄉來看你。In the autumn of the year before last, I did return to my country once, but because a friend invited me to go to A—, I again failed to go home to see you.在A地住了三個月，回到上海來過了舊曆的除夕，我又回東京去了。I stayed three months in A—, came back to Shanghai to spend the old-calendar New Year's Eve, and then went back again to Tokyo.直到了去年的暑假前，我提出了卒業論文，將我的放浪生活作了個結束，方才拖了許多饑不能食寒不能衣的破書籍回到中國來。Not until just before last year's summer vacation, when I submitted my graduation thesis and put an end to my dissolute life, did I finally drag home to China a great pile of tattered books — books that could neither be eaten when hungry nor worn when cold.一踏了上海的岸，生計問題就逼緊到我的眼前來，縛在我周圍的運命的鐵鎖圈，就一天一天的扎緊起來了。The moment I set foot on the shore at Shanghai, the problem of making a living pressed close before my eyes, and the iron chain of fate binding me tightened, day by day.

前年秋天我虽回国了一次，但因为朋友邀我上A地去了，我又没有回到故乡来看你。在A地住了三个月，回到上海来过了旧历的除夕，我又回东京去了。直到了去年的暑假前，我提出了卒业论文，将我的放浪生活作了个结束，方才拖了许多饥不能食寒不能衣的破书籍回到中国来。一踏了上海的岸，生计问题就逼紧到我的眼前来，缚在我周围的运命的铁锁圈，就一天一天的扎紧起来了。

留學的時候，多謝我們孱弱無能的政府，和沒有進步的同胞，象我這樣的一個生則於世無補，死亦於人無損的零餘者，也考得了一個官費生的資格。While studying abroad, thanks to our feeble, incompetent government and our unprogressive countrymen, a superfluous man like me — one whose life adds nothing to the world and whose death would cost no one anything — even managed to win the status of a government-funded student.雖則每月所得不能敷用，是租了屋沒有食，買了食沒有衣的狀態，但究竟每月還有幾十塊錢的出息，調度得也能勉強免於死亡。Though the monthly stipend was never enough — a state in which, if I paid the rent, I had no money for food, and if I bought food, I had none for clothes — still, each month there were a few tens of dollars coming in, and by careful management I could just barely avoid starving to death.並且又可進了病院向家裡勒索幾個醫藥費，拿了書店的發票向哥哥乞取幾塊買書錢。And besides, I could check into a hospital and extort a little medical money from home, or take a bookshop receipt and beg my elder brother for a few dollars to buy books.所以在繁華的新興國的首都裡，我卻過了幾年放縱的生活。And so, in the flourishing capital of that rising new nation, I passed several years of a dissolute life.如今一定的年限已經到了，學校裡因為要收受後進的學生，再也不能容我在那綠樹陰森的圖書館裡，作白晝的癡夢了。Now the fixed term has come to an end; the school, needing to admit new incoming students, could no longer allow me to go on dreaming my foolish daytime dreams in that library shaded by dark green trees.並且我們國家的金庫，也受了幾個磁石心腸的將軍和大官的吮吸，把供養我們一班不會作亂的割勢者的能力傷失了。Moreover, our nation's treasury, drained by the sucking of a few generals and high officials with hearts like lodestones, had lost the capacity to go on supporting a band of us harmless, powerless nobodies.所以我在去年的六月就失了我的維持生命的根據，那時候我的每月的進款已經沒有了。And so, this past June, I lost the very basis on which I had maintained my life — from that time on, my monthly income was gone entirely.以年紀講起來，象我這樣二十六七的青年，正好到社會去奮鬥。Speaking in terms of age, a young man of twenty-six or twenty-seven like myself ought to be just at the age for striving out in society.況且又在外國國立大學裡卒業了的我，誰更有這樣厚的面皮，再去向家中年老的母親，或狷潔自愛的哥哥，乞求養生的資料。And besides, having graduated from a foreign national university, who could be so thick-skinned as I, still going to beg my aged mother at home, or my upright and self-respecting elder brother, for the means to live?我去年暑假裡一到上海流寓了一個多月沒有回家來的原因，你知道了麼？Do you now understand the reason why, last summer, once I reached Shanghai, I lingered there over a month without coming home?我現在索性對你明講了罷，一則雖因為一天一天的捱過了幾天，把回家的旅費用完了，其他我更有這一段不能回家的苦衷在的呀，你可能瞭解？I might as well tell you plainly now: partly it was because, dragging on day after day, I used up the money for my journey home; but beyond that I had this further bitter reason for not being able to go home — can you understand it?

留学的时候，多谢我们孱弱无能的政府，和没有进步的同胞，象我这样的一个生则于世无补，死亦于人无损的零余者，也考得了一个官费生的资格。虽则每月所得不能敷用，是租了屋没有食，买了食没有衣的状态，但究竟每月还有几十块钱的出息，调度得也能勉强免于死亡。并且又可进了病院向家里勒索几个医药费，拿了书店的发票向哥哥乞取几块买书钱。所以在繁华的新兴国的首都里，我却过了几年放纵的生活。如今一定的年限已经到了，学校里因为要收受后进的学生，再也不能容我在那绿树阴森的图书馆里，作白昼的痴梦了。并且我们国家的金库，也受了几个磁石心肠的将军和大官的吮吸，把供养我们一班不会作乱的割势者的能力伤失了。所以我在去年的六月就失了我的维持生命的根据，那时候我的每月的进款已经没有了。以年纪讲起来，象我这样二十六七的青年，正好到社会去奋斗。况且又在外国国立大学里卒业了的我，谁更有这样厚的面皮，再去向家中年老的母亲，或狷洁自爱的哥哥，乞求养生的资料。我去年暑假里一到上海流寓了一个多月没有回家来的原因，你知道了么？我现在索性对你明讲了罢，一则虽因为一天一天的挨过了几天，把回家的旅费用完了，其他我更有这一段不能回家的苦衷在的呀，你可能瞭解？

啊啊，去年六月在燈火繁華的上海市外，在馬車喧嚷的黃浦江邊，我一邊念著Housman的A Shropshire Lad 裡的Ah, last June, on the outskirts of the bright and bustling city of Shanghai, beside the Huangpu River loud with carriages, I recited to myself these lines from Housman's A Shropshire Lad —

啊啊，去年六月在灯火繁华的上海市外，在马车喧嚷的黄浦江边，我一边念著Housman的A Shropshire Lad 里的

Come you home a heroCome you home a hero

Or come not home at all,Or come not home at all,

The lads you leave will mind youThe lads you leave will mind you

Till Ludlow tower shall fall.Till Ludlow tower shall fall.

幾句清詩，一邊呆呆的看著江中黝黑混濁的流水，曾經發了幾多的歎聲，滴了幾多的眼淚。— reciting these clear verses, while staring blankly at the dark, turbid water flowing in the river, I let out I know not how many sighs, and shed I know not how many tears.你若知道我那時候的絕望的情懷，我想你去年的那幾封微有怨意的信也不至於發給我了。——啊，我想起了，你是不懂英文的，這幾句詩我順便替你譯出罷：If you had known the despair in my heart at that time, I think you would not have sent me those few letters last year with their faint note of reproach. — Ah, I remember now, you do not read English; let me translate these lines for you while I am at it:

几句清诗，一边呆呆的看著江中黝黑混浊的流水，曾经发了几多的叹声，滴了几多的眼泪。你若知道我那时候的绝望的情怀，我想你去年的那几封微有怨意的信也不至于发给我了。——啊，我想起了，你是不懂英文的，这几句诗我顺便替你译出罢：

汝當衣錦歸，You should return home clad in brocade,

汝当衣锦归，

否則永莫回，Or else never return at all,

否则永莫回，

令汝別後之兒童，The children you leave behind will remember you

令汝别后之儿童，

望到魯德羅塔毀。Until the Ludlow tower crumbles to ruin.

望到鲁德罗塔毁。

平常責任心很重，並且在不必要的地方，反而非常隱忍持重的我，當留學的時候，也不曾著過一書，立過一說。I, who ordinarily bear a heavy sense of duty, and who in places where it was quite unnecessary am all the more forbearing and grave — I, during my years abroad, never once wrote a book or advanced a theory.天性膽怯，從小就害著自卑狂的我，在新聞雜誌或稠人廣群之中，從不敢自家吹一點小小的氣焰。Timid by nature, afflicted since childhood with a mania for feeling inferior, I never once dared, in newspapers and magazines or before a crowd, to blow even the smallest trumpet for myself.不在圖書館內，便在咖啡店裡山水懷中過活的我，當那些現代的青年當作科場看的群眾運動起來的時候，絕不曾去慷慨悲歌的演說一次，出點無意義的風頭。I, who lived my days if not in the library then in cafés or amid mountains and waters, never once, when those modern youths rose up in mass movements as though sitting for the examinations, went out to deliver some impassioned, tragic speech, or make a show of myself for no purpose.賦性愚魯，不善交遊，不喜鑽營的我，平心講起來，在生活競爭劇烈，到處在陷阱設伏的現在的中國社會裡，當然是沒有生存的資格的。By nature dull and slow, poor at making friends, disinclined to scheme and maneuver — I, speaking honestly, of course have no qualification to survive in present-day Chinese society, where the struggle for a livelihood is so fierce and traps lie in ambush everywhere.去年六月間，尋了幾處職業失敗之後，我心裡想我自家若想逃出這惡濁的空氣，想解決這生計困難的問題，最好唯有一死。Last June, after failing to find work in several places, it occurred to me that if I myself wished to escape this foul, turbid air, and to solve the problem of my livelihood, the best way — the only way — was death.但我若要自殺，我必須先弄幾個錢來，痛飲飽吃一場，大醉之後，用了我的無用的武器，至少也要擊殺一二個世間的人類——若他是比我富裕的時候，我就算替社會除了一個惡。But if I meant to kill myself, I would first have to get hold of some money, drink and eat my fill once, and then, dead drunk, using my useless weapon, strike down at least one or two fellow human beings in this world — if the one struck were richer than I, I could count it as ridding society of an evil.若他是和我一樣或比我更苦的時候，我就算解決了他的困難，救了他的靈魂——然後從容就死。And if he were as poor as I, or poorer still, I could count it as solving his troubles, saving his soul — and only then would I calmly go to my death.我因為有這一種想頭，所以去年夏天在睡不著的晚上，拖了沉重的腳，上黃浦江邊去了幾次，仍覆沒有自殺。Because I harbored this notion, last summer, on nights when I could not sleep, I dragged my heavy feet down to the bank of the Huangpu River several times — and still, in the end, did not kill myself.到了現在我可以老實的對你說了，我在那時候，我並不曾想到我死後的你將如何的生活過去。Now I can tell you honestly: at that time, I never once stopped to think how you would go on living after my death.我的八十五歲的祖母，和六十來歲的母親，在我死後又當如何的種種問題，當然更不在我的腦裡了。The various questions of how my eighty-five-year-old grandmother and my mother, in her sixties, would fare after my death — such things, of course, were even further from my mind.你讀到這裡，或者要罵我沒有責任心，丟下了你，自家一個去走乾淨的路。Reading this far, you may well curse me for having no sense of responsibility, for abandoning you and going off alone to take the clean way out.但我想這責任不應該推給我負的，第一我們的國家社會，不能用我去作他們的工，使我有了氣力不能賣錢來養活我自家和你，所以現代的社會，就應該負這責任。But I think this responsibility ought not to be pushed onto me alone. First, our nation and society could not put me to work for them, so that though I had strength I could not sell it for money to support myself and you — and so present-day society ought to bear this responsibility.即使退一步講，第二你的父母不能教育你，使你獨立營生，便是你父母的壞處，所以你的父母也應該負這責任。Even granting a step back, second, your parents failed to educate you so that you might earn your own independent living — that was your parents' fault, and so your parents too ought to bear this responsibility.第三我的母親戚族，知道我沒有養活你的能力，要苦苦的勸我結婚，他們也應該負這責任。Third, my mother and our relatives, knowing full well I had no ability to support you, still urged me relentlessly to marry — they too ought to bear this responsibility.這不過是現在我寫到這裡想出來的話，當時原是沒有想到的。This is merely something that has occurred to me now, as I write this far — at the time, I had thought of none of it.

平常责任心很重，并且在不必要的地方，反而非常隐忍持重的我，当留学的时候，也不曾著过一书，立过一说。天性胆怯，从小就害著自卑狂的我，在新闻杂志或稠人广群之中，从不敢自家吹一点小小的气焰。不在图书馆内，便在咖啡店里山水怀中过活的我，当那些现代的青年当作科场看的群众运动起来的时候，绝不曾去慷慨悲歌的演说一次，出点无意义的风头。赋性愚鲁，不善交游，不喜钻营的我，平心讲起来，在生活竞争剧烈，到处在陷阱设伏的现在的中国社会里，当然是没有生存的资格的。去年六月间，寻了几处职业失败之后，我心里想我自家若想逃出这恶浊的空气，想解决这生计困难的问题，最好唯有一死。但我若要自杀，我必须先弄几个钱来，痛饮饱吃一场，大醉之后，用了我的无用的武器，至少也要击杀一二个世间的人类——若他是比我富裕的时候，我就算替社会除了一个恶。若他是和我一样或比我更苦的时候，我就算解决了他的困难，救了他的灵魂——然后从容就死。我因为有这一种想头，所以去年夏天在睡不著的晚上，拖了沉重的脚，上黄浦江边去了几次，仍覆没有自杀。到了现在我可以老实的对你说了，我在那时候，我并不曾想到我死后的你将如何的生活过去。我的八十五岁的祖母，和六十来岁的母亲，在我死后又当如何的种种问题，当然更不在我的脑里了。你读到这里，或者要骂我没有责任心，丢下了你，自家一个去走干净的路。但我想这责任不应该推给我负的，第一我们的国家社会，不能用我去作他们的工，使我有了气力不能卖钱来养活我自家和你，所以现代的社会，就应该负这责任。即使退一步讲，第二你的父母不能教育你，使你独立营生，便是你父母的坏处，所以你的父母也应该负这责任。第三我的母亲戚族，知道我没有养活你的能力，要苦苦的劝我结婚，他们也应该负这责任。这不过是现在我写到这里想出来的话，当时原是没有想到的。

上海的T書局和我有些關係，是你所知道的。You already know that I have some connection with T— Bookstore in Shanghai.你今天午後不是從這T 書局編輯所出發的麼？Was it not from this T— Bookstore's editorial office that you set out this afternoon?去年六月經理的T君看我可憐不過，卻為我關說了幾處，但那幾處不是說我沒有聲望，就嫌我脾氣太大，不善趨奉他們的旨意，不願意用我。Last June, the manager, Mr. T, finding me too pitiable to bear, put in a word for me at several places, but at each one they either said I had no reputation, or complained that my temper was too great, that I was no good at flattering their wishes, and so refused to hire me.我當初把我身邊的衣服金銀器具一件一件的典當之後，在烈日蒸照，灰土很多的上海市街中，整目的窒跑了半個多月，幾個有職業的先輩，和在東京曾經受過我的照拂的朋友的地方，我都去訪問了。Having first pawned, one by one, the clothes and gold and silver trinkets I had with me, I spent over half a month rushing about, choked with dust, through the streets of Shanghai under the blazing sun, all day long; I visited every place where I might find some senior man already employed, or some friend who had once received my kindness back in Tokyo.他們有的時候，也約我上菜館去吃一次飯；Sometimes they would invite me out to a restaurant for a meal;有的時候，知道我的意思便也陪我作了六副憂鬱的形容。sometimes, understanding what I was after, they would put on a show of melancholy to keep me company.且為我籌了許多沒有實效的計畫。And they would work out for me many plans that came to nothing.我於這樣的晚上，不是往黃浦江邊去徘徊，便是一個人跑上法國公園的草地上去呆坐。On such evenings, I would either wander along the bank of the Huangpu River, or go alone to sit blankly on the lawn of the French Park.在那時候，我一個人看看天上悠久的星河，聽聽遠遠從那公園的舞蹈室裡飛過來的舞蹈曲的琴音，老有放聲痛哭的時候，幸虧在黃昏的時節，公園的四周沒有人來往，所以我得盡情的哭泣，有時候哭得倦了，我也曾在那公園的草地上露宿過的。At such times, alone, I would gaze up at the eternal river of stars in the sky, and listen to the strains of dance music drifting far off from the park's dance hall, and time and again I would end up weeping aloud; fortunately, at dusk there was no one about in the park, so I could weep to my heart's content, and sometimes, worn out with weeping, I even slept out on the park lawn.

上海的T书局和我有些关系，是你所知道的。你今天午后不是从这T 书局编辑所出发的么？去年六月经理的T君看我可怜不过，却为我关说了几处，但那几处不是说我没有声望，就嫌我脾气太大，不善趋奉他们的旨意，不愿意用我。我当初把我身边的衣服金银器具一件一件的典当之后，在烈日蒸照，灰土很多的上海市街中，整目的窒跑了半个多月，几个有职业的先辈，和在东京曾经受过我的照拂的朋友的地方，我都去访问了。他们有的时候，也约我上菜馆去吃一次饭；有的时候，知道我的意思便也陪我作了六副忧郁的形容。且为我筹了许多没有实效的计画。我于这样的晚上，不是往黄浦江边去徘徊，便是一个人跑上法国公园的草地上去呆坐。在那时候，我一个人看看天上悠久的星河，听听远远从那公园的舞蹈室里飞过来的舞蹈曲的琴音，老有放声痛哭的时候，幸亏在黄昏的时节，公园的四周没有人来往，所以我得尽情的哭泣，有时候哭得倦了，我也曾在那公园的草地上露宿过的。

陽曆六月十八的晚上——是我忘不了的一晚——T君拿了一封A地的朋友寄來的信到我住的地方來。On the evening of June 18th by the solar calendar — a night I shall never forget — Mr. T came to where I was staying, bringing a letter sent by a friend in A—.平常只有我去找他，沒有他來找我的T君，一進我的門，我就知道一定有什麼機會了。Ordinarily it was always I who went to find him, never he who came to find me; the moment Mr. T stepped through my door, I knew at once that some opportunity must have arisen.他在我用的一張破桌子前坐下之後，果然把信裡的事情對我講了。After he sat down before the battered table I used, he did indeed tell me what the letter contained.他說：He said:

阳历六月十八的晚上——是我忘不了的一晚——T君拿了一封A地的朋友寄来的信到我住的地方来。平常只有我去找他，没有他来找我的T君，一进我的门，我就知道一定有什么机会了。他在我用的一张破桌子前坐下之后，果然把信里的事情对我讲了。他说：

“A地仍複想請你去教書，你願不願意去？”'A— still wants to invite you to come teach — are you willing to go?'

“A地仍复想请你去教书，你愿不愿意去？”

教書是有識無產階級的最苦的職業，你和我已經住過半年，我的如何不願意教書，教書的如何苦法，想是你所知道的，我在此處不必說了。Teaching is the bitterest profession there is for the educated but propertyless class; you and I have already lived together half a year, so how unwilling I was to teach, and how bitter a business teaching is — these I think you already know, and I need not say more of them here.況且A地的這學校裡又有許多黑暗的地方，有幾個想做校長的野心家，又是忌刻心很重的，象這樣的地方的教席，我也不得不承認下去的當時的苦況，大約是你所意想不到的，因為我那時候同在倫敦的屋頂下挨餓的Chatterton一樣，一邊雖在那裡吃苦，一邊我寫回來的家信上還寫得娓娓有致，說什麼地方也在請我，什麼地方也在聘我哩！！Moreover, this school in A— had many dark corners of its own — several ambitious men scheming to become headmaster, and full of jealous, grudging hearts besides; and yet the bitterness of my having to accept, even so, a teaching post in such a place was, I think, something you could hardly have imagined — for at that time, like Chatterton starving away under a London rooftop, even as I suffered on one hand, on the other I wrote home letters full of charming, lively detail, claiming that this place and that place were all inviting me, all offering me posts!!

教书是有识无产阶级的最苦的职业，你和我已经住过半年，我的如何不愿意教书，教书的如何苦法，想是你所知道的，我在此处不必说了。况且A地的这学校里又有许多黑暗的地方，有几个想做校长的野心家，又是忌刻心很重的，象这样的地方的教席，我也不得不承认下去的当时的苦况，大约是你所意想不到的，因为我那时候同在伦敦的屋顶下挨饿的Chatterton一样，一边虽在那里吃苦，一边我写回来的家信上还写得娓娓有致，说什么地方也在请我，什么地方也在聘我哩！！

啊啊！Ah, ah!同是血肉造成的我，我原是有虛榮心，有自尊心的呀！I too am made of flesh and blood — of course I have my vanity, my self-respect!請你不要罵我作燔間乞食的齊人吧！Please do not curse me as that man of Qi who begged food among the graves!唉，時運不濟，你就是罵我，我也甘心受罵的。Ah, my luck has run out — even if you curse me, I would willingly bear the curse.

啊啊！同是血肉造成的我，我原是有虚荣心，有自尊心的呀！请你不要骂我作燔间乞食的齐人吧！唉，时运不济，你就是骂我，我也甘心受骂的。

我們結婚後，你給我的一個鑽石戒指，我在東京的時候，替你押賣了，這是你當時已經知道的。The diamond ring you gave me after our marriage — while I was in Tokyo, I pawned it away on your behalf; this you already knew at the time.我當T君將A 地某校的聘書交給我的時候，身邊值錢的衣服器具已經典當盡了。By the time Mr. T handed me the letter of appointment from that certain school in A—, every valuable piece of clothing or object I had with me had already been pawned away.在東京學校的圖書館裡，我記得讀過一個德國薄命詩人 Crabbe的傳記。In the library of my school in Tokyo, I remember reading the biography of a German poet of ill fortune, Crabbe.一貧如洗的他想上京去求職業去，同我一樣貧窮的他的老母將一副祖傳的銀的食器交給了他，作他的求職的資斧。Poor as poor could be, he wished to go up to the capital to seek employment; his old mother, poor just as I am, gave him a set of silver tableware handed down in the family, to serve as his means for the journey.他到了孤冷的首都裡，今日吃一個銀匙，明日吃一把銀刀，不上幾日，就把他那副祖傳的食器吃完了。Once he reached the cold and friendless capital, he would eat away a silver spoon one day, a silver knife the next, and before many days had passed he had eaten up the whole of his inherited set of tableware.我記得Heine還嘲笑過他的。I remember that Heine even mocked him for it.去年六月的我的窮狀，可是比Grabbe【Crabbe？】更甚了，最後的一點值錢的物事，就是我在東京買來，預備送你的一個天賞堂制的銀的裝照相的架子，我在窮急的時候，早曾打算把它去換幾個錢用，但一次一次的難關都被我打破，我決心把這一點微物，總要安安全全的送到你的手裡，殊不知到了最後，我接到了 A 地某校的聘書之後，仍不得不把它去押在當鋪裡，換成了幾個旅費，走回家來探望年老的祖母母親，探望怯弱可憐同綿羊一樣的你。But my destitution last June was worse even than Crabbe's [Grabbe?]. The very last thing of value I owned was a silver photograph frame, made by the Tianshangtang shop, which I had bought in Tokyo meaning to give to you; in my direst poverty I had more than once thought of pawning it for a little cash, but time after time I fought my way through the difficulty instead, determined that this small trifle should reach your hands safe and whole, come what may. Who would have thought that in the end, after I received the letter of appointment from that school in A—, I still had no choice but to pawn it at the pawnshop, turning it into a little travel money, so that I might make my way home to see my aged grandmother and mother, and to see you, timid and pitiable as a lamb.

我们结婚后，你给我的一个钻石戒指，我在东京的时候，替你押卖了，这是你当时已经知道的。我当T君将A 地某校的聘书交给我的时候，身边值钱的衣服器具已经典当尽了。在东京学校的图书馆里，我记得读过一个德国薄命诗人 Crabbe的传记。一贫如洗的他想上京去求职业去，同我一样贫穷的他的老母将一副祖传的银的食器交给了他，作他的求职的资斧。他到了孤冷的首都里，今日吃一个银匙，明日吃一把银刀，不上几日，就把他那副祖传的食器吃完了。我记得Heine还嘲笑过他的。去年六月的我的穷状，可是比Grabbe【Crabbe？】更甚了，最后的一点值钱的物事，就是我在东京买来，预备送你的一个天赏堂制的银的装照相的架子，我在穷急的时候，早曾打算把它去换几个钱用，但一次一次的难关都被我打破，我决心把这一点微物，总要安安全全的送到你的手里，殊不知到了最后，我接到了 A 地某校的聘书之后，仍不得不把它去押在当铺里，换成了几个旅费，走回家来探望年老的祖母母亲，探望怯弱可怜同绵羊一样的你。

六月六日，我於一天晴朗的午後，從杭州坐了小汽船，在風景如畫的錢塘江中跑回家來。On the sixth of June, on a clear afternoon, I boarded a small steam launch at Hangzhou and made my way home along the picturesque Qiantang River.過了靈橋裡山等綠樹連天的山峽，將近故鄉縣城的時候，我心裡同時感著了一種可喜可怕的感覺。After passing through the ravines of Lingqiao, Lishan, and the other hills whose green trees stretched to meet the sky, as I drew near the county town that was my home, I felt in my heart, all at once, a feeling both joyful and fearful.立在船舷上，呆呆的凝望著春江第一樓前後的山景，我口裡雖在微吟“近鄉情更怯，不敢問來人”的二句唐詩，我的心裡卻在這樣的默禱：Standing at the ship’s rail, gazing blankly at the mountain scenery around Chunjiang First Pavilion, I murmured the two lines of Tang verse, “The nearer home I draw, the more fearful I grow; I dare not question those who come from there,” yet inwardly I prayed in silence:

六月六日，我于一天晴朗的午后，从杭州坐了小汽船，在风景如画的钱塘江中跑回家来。过了灵桥里山等绿树连天的山峡，将近故乡县城的时候，我心里同时感著了一种可喜可怕的感觉。立在船舷上，呆呆的凝望著春江第一楼前后的山景，我口里虽在微吟“近乡情更怯，不敢问来人”的二句唐诗，我的心里却在这样的默祷：

“……“...天帝存靈，當使埠頭一個我的認識的人也不在！If the Lord of Heaven still has power, let there not be a single person I know at the wharf!要不使他們知道才好，要不使他們知道我今天淪落了回來才好。”Above all, they must not know—must not know that I have come back today, fallen so low.”

“……天帝存灵，当使埠头一个我的认识的人也不在！要不使他们知道才好，要不使他们知道我今天沦落了回来才好。”

船一靠岸，我左右手裡提了兩隻皮篋，在晴日的底下從亂雜的人叢中伏倒了頭，同逃也似的走回家來。As soon as the ship docked, I took a leather suitcase in each hand, bowed my head beneath the bright sun, and hurried home through the jumbled crowd as though fleeing for my life.我一進門看見母親還在偏間的膳室裡喝酒。The moment I entered, I saw Mother still drinking wine in the dining room off to one side.我想張起喉音來親親熱熱的叫一聲母親的，但一見了親人，我就把回國以來受的社會的侮辱想了出來，所以我的咽喉便梗梗住了，我只能把兩隻皮篋向凳上一拋，馬上就匆匆的跑上樓上的你的房裡來，好把我的沒有丈夫氣，到了傷心的時候就要流淚的壞習慣藏藏躲躲，誰知一進你的房，你卻流了一臉的汗和眼淚，坐在床前暗泣。I wanted to raise my voice and call out warmly, “Mother!” But the sight of my own family brought back all the humiliations society had inflicted on me since my return to China, and my throat closed up; I could only fling the two leather suitcases onto a stool and rush straight upstairs to your room, hoping to hide my unmanly habit of bursting into tears whenever grief overcame me—only to find you, your face streaming with sweat and tears, sitting before the bed and weeping silently.我動也不動的呆看了一忽，方提起了乾燥的喉音，幽幽的問你為什麼要哭，你聽了我這句問話反哭得更加厲害，暗泣中間卻帶起幾聲壓不下去的鳴咽聲來了。I stood motionless and stared for a while; then, summoning a dry voice from my throat, I softly asked why you were crying, but at my question you wept still harder, and amid your silent sobbing came several stifled cries you could no longer suppress.我又問你究竟什麼，你只是搖頭不說。I asked again what on earth was wrong, but you merely shook your head and said nothing.本來是傷心的我，又被你這樣的引誘了一番，我就不得不抱了你的頭同你對哭起來。Already heartsick myself, I was drawn still further into grief by you, until I could not help taking your head in my arms and weeping with you.喝不上碗熱茶的工夫，樓下的母親就大罵著說：Before there had been time even to drink a bowl of hot tea, Mother began shouting abuse downstairs:

船一靠岸，我左右手里提了两只皮箧，在晴日的底下从乱杂的人丛中伏倒了头，同逃也似的走回家来。我一进门看见母亲还在偏间的膳室里喝酒。我想张起喉音来亲亲热热的叫一声母亲的，但一见了亲人，我就把回国以来受的社会的侮辱想了出来，所以我的咽喉便梗梗住了，我只能把两只皮箧向凳上一抛，马上就匆匆的跑上楼上的你的房里来，好把我的没有丈夫气，到了伤心的时候就要流泪的坏习惯藏藏躲躲，谁知一进你的房，你却流了一脸的汗和眼泪，坐在床前暗泣。我动也不动的呆看了一忽，方提起了干燥的喉音，幽幽的问你为什么要哭，你听了我这句问话反哭得更加厉害，暗泣中间却带起几声压不下去的鸣咽声来了。我又问你究竟什么，你只是摇头不说。本来是伤心的我，又被你这样的引诱了一番，我就不得不抱了你的头同你对哭起来。喝不上碗热茶的工夫，楼下的母亲就大骂著说：

“……“...什麼的公主娘娘，我說著這幾句話，就要上樓去擺架子。……Some high-and-mighty princess! The moment I say a few words, she has to go upstairs and put on airs...輪船埠頭誰對你這小畜生講了，在上海逛了一個多月，走將家來，一聲也不叫，狠命的把皮篋在我面前一丟……Who told you anything at the steamer wharf, you little beast? After gallivanting around Shanghai for over a month, you come home without so much as a greeting and violently fling your suitcases down in front of me...這算是什麼行為！……What kind of behavior is that!...你便是封了王回來，也沒有這樣的行為的呀！……Even if you had come back crowned a king, you would have no right to behave like this!...兩夫妻暗地裡通通信，商量商量，……Husband and wife secretly exchanging letters and plotting together...你們好來謀殺我的……。”You mean to conspire to murder me...”

“……什么的公主娘娘，我说著这几句话，就要上楼去摆架子。……轮船埠头谁对你这小畜生讲了，在上海逛了一个多月，走将家来，一声也不叫，狠命的把皮箧在我面前一丢……这算是什么行为！……你便是封了王回来，也没有这样的行为的呀！……两夫妻暗地里通通信，商量商量，……你们好来谋杀我的……。”

我聽見了母親的罵聲，反而止住不哭了。When I heard Mother’s abuse, I stopped crying instead.聽到“封了王回來”的這一句話，我覺得全身的血流都倒注了來。At the words “come back crowned a king,” I felt as though all the blood in my body were surging backward.在炎熱的那盛暑的時候，我卻同在寒冬的夜半似的手腳都發起抖來。Though it was the hottest part of summer, my hands and feet began trembling as if it were midnight in the depths of winter.啊啊，那時候若沒有你把我止住，我怕已經冒了大不孝的罪名，要永久的向我那年老的母親訣別了。Ah, if you had not restrained me then, I fear I would have incurred the charge of monstrous unfilial conduct and taken leave of my aged mother forever.若那時候我和我母親吵鬧一場，那今年的祖母的死，我也是送不著的，我為了這事，也不得不重重的感謝你的呀。If I had quarreled with Mother then, I would not have been here to see Grandmother off when she died this year; for that too, I cannot but thank you most deeply.

我听见了母亲的骂声，反而止住不哭了。听到“封了王回来”的这一句话，我觉得全身的血流都倒注了来。在炎热的那盛暑的时候，我却同在寒冬的夜半似的手脚都发起抖来。啊啊，那时候若没有你把我止住，我怕已经冒了大不孝的罪名，要永久的向我那年老的母亲诀别了。若那时候我和我母亲吵闹一场，那今年的祖母的死，我也是送不著的，我为了这事，也不得不重重的感谢你的呀。

那一天我的忽而從上海的回來，原是你也不知道，母親也不知道的。Neither you nor Mother had known that I would suddenly return from Shanghai that day.後來母親的氣平了下去，你我的悲感也過去了的時候，我才知道我沒有到家之先，母親因為我久住上海不回家來的原因，在那裡發脾氣罵你。Only later, when Mother’s anger had subsided and our sorrow had passed, did I learn that before I reached home she had lost her temper and abused you because I had stayed so long in Shanghai without returning.啊啊，你為了我的緣故，害罵害說的事情大約總也不止這一次了。Ah, because of me, you must have suffered abuse and reproaches far more often than just this once.也難徑你當我告訴你說我將於幾目內動身到A地去的時候，哀哀的哭得不住的，你那柔順的性質，是你一生吃苦的根源。No wonder that when I told you I would be leaving for A in a few days, you wept so piteously and could not stop; that meek nature of yours has been the source of all your lifelong suffering.同我的對於社會的虐待，絲毫沒有反抗能力的性質，卻是一樣。It is just like my own nature, utterly incapable of resisting society’s persecution.啊啊！Ah!反抗反抗，我對於社會何嘗不曉得反抗，你對於加到你身上來的虐待也何嘗不曉得反抗，但是怯弱的我們，沒有能力的我們，教我們從何處反抗起呢？Resistance, resistance—of course I know how to resist society, just as you know how to resist the persecution inflicted upon you; but we are timid, we are powerless—from where are we to begin resisting?

那一天我的忽而从上海的回来，原是你也不知道，母亲也不知道的。后来母亲的气平了下去，你我的悲感也过去了的时候，我才知道我没有到家之先，母亲因为我久住上海不回家来的原因，在那里发脾气骂你。啊啊，你为了我的缘故，害骂害说的事情大约总也不止这一次了。也难径你当我告诉你说我将于几目内动身到A地去的时候，哀哀的哭得不住的，你那柔顺的性质，是你一生吃苦的根源。同我的对于社会的虐待，丝毫没有反抗能力的性质，却是一样。啊啊！反抗反抗，我对于社会何尝不晓得反抗，你对于加到你身上来的虐待也何尝不晓得反抗，但是怯弱的我们，没有能力的我们，教我们从何处反抗起呢？

到了痛定之後，我看看你的形容，比前年患瘧疾的時候更消瘦了。After the first shock of pain had passed, I looked at you and saw that you were even more emaciated than when you suffered from malaria the year before last.到了晚上，我捏到你的下腿，竟沒有那一段肥突的腳肚，從腳後跟起，到腳彎膝止，完全是一條直線。That evening, when I felt your lower leg, there was not even the slightest swell of calf: from heel to the bend of the knee it formed a perfectly straight line.啊啊，我知道了，我知道自天我對你說我要上A 地去的時候你就流眼淚的原因了。Ah, now I understood; I understood why you had shed tears from the day I told you I was going to A.

到了痛定之后，我看看你的形容，比前年患疟疾的时候更消瘦了。到了晚上，我捏到你的下腿，竟没有那一段肥突的脚肚，从脚后跟起，到脚弯膝止，完全是一条直线。啊啊，我知道了，我知道自天我对你说我要上A 地去的时候你就流眼泪的原因了。

我已經決定帶你同住A地，將催A地的學校裡速匯二百元旅費來的快信寄出之後，你我還不敢將這計畫告訴母親，怕母親不贊成我們。I had already decided to take you to live with me in A, and after mailing an urgent letter asking the school there to remit two hundred yuan for our traveling expenses, we still did not dare tell Mother of the plan, fearing that she would oppose us.到了旅費匯到的那天晚上，你還是疑惑不決的說：Even on the evening the money arrived, you still said uncertainly:

我已经决定带你同住A地，将催A地的学校里速汇二百元旅费来的快信寄出之后，你我还不敢将这计画告诉母亲，怕母亲不赞成我们。到了旅费汇到的那天晚上，你还是疑惑不决的说：

“萬一外邊去不能支持，仍要回家來的時候，如何是好呢！”“What shall we do if we cannot manage away from home and have to come back after all?”

“万一外边去不能支持，仍要回家来的时候，如何是好呢！”

可憐你那被威權壓服了的神經，竟好象是希臘的巫女，能預知今天的劫運似的。Poor nerves of yours, crushed into submission by authority—they seemed like a Greek sibyl, able to foretell the calamity that has overtaken us today.唉，我早知道有今天的一段悲劇，我當時就不該帶你出來了。Alas, had I known that today’s tragedy awaited us, I should never have taken you away with me.

可怜你那被威权压服了的神经，竟好象是希腊的巫女，能预知今天的劫运似的。唉，我早知道有今天的一段悲剧，我当时就不该带你出来了。

我去年暑假鬱鬱的在家裡和你住了幾天，竟不料就會種下一個煩惱的種子的。Last summer vacation I spent a few gloomy days at home with you, never dreaming that I would thereby sow a seed of misery.等我們同到了A地，將房屋什器安頓好的時候，你的身體已經不是平常的身體了。By the time we reached A and had settled the house and its furnishings, your body was no longer in its usual condition.吃幾口飯，就要嘔吐。After only a few mouthfuls of rice, you would vomit.每天只是懶懶的在床上躺著，頭一個月我因為不知底細，曾經罵過你幾次，到了三四個月上，你的身體一天一天的重起來，我的神經受了種種激刺，也一天一天的粗暴起來了。Every day you merely lay languidly in bed; during the first month, not knowing the truth, I scolded you several times, and by the third or fourth month, as your body grew heavier day by day, my nerves, assailed by every kind of irritation, grew rougher and more violent by the day.

我去年暑假郁郁的在家里和你住了几天，竟不料就会种下一个烦恼的种子的。等我们同到了A地，将房屋什器安顿好的时候，你的身体已经不是平常的身体了。吃几口饭，就要呕吐。每天只是懒懒的在床上躺著，头一个月我因为不知底细，曾经骂过你几次，到了三四个月上，你的身体一天一天的重起来，我的神经受了种种激刺，也一天一天的粗暴起来了。

第一因為學校裡的課程乾燥無味，我天天去上課就同上刑具被拷問一樣，胸中只感著一種壓迫。First, because the courses at the school were dry and insipid, going to teach each day felt like being put to the rack and tortured, and I felt nothing but oppression in my breast.

第一因为学校里的课程干燥无味，我天天去上课就同上刑具被拷问一样，胸中只感著一种压迫。

第二因為我在雜誌上發表了一篇舊作的文字，淘了許多無聊的閒氣。Second, because I published an old piece of writing in a magazine, I brought a great deal of pointless vexation upon myself.更有些忌刻我的惡劣分子，就想以此來作我的葬歌，紛紛的攻擊我起來。Worse still, certain despicable people who envied me tried to make it my funeral song and launched attack after attack upon me.

第二因为我在杂志上发表了一篇旧作的文字，淘了许多无聊的闲气。更有些忌刻我的恶劣分子，就想以此来作我的葬歌，纷纷的攻击我起来。

第三我平時原是揮霍慣了的，一想到辭了教授的職後，就又不得不同六月間一樣，嘗那失業的苦味。Third, I had always been accustomed to spending freely, and whenever I thought that after resigning my professorship I would once again have to taste the bitterness of unemployment, as I had in June, I was filled with dread.況且現在又有了家室，又有了未來的兒女，萬一再同那時候一樣的失起業來，豈不要比那時更苦。Besides, now I had a household and a child to come; if I were to lose my livelihood again as I had then, would it not be even more painful than before?

第三我平时原是挥霍惯了的，一想到辞了教授的职后，就又不得不同六月间一样，尝那失业的苦味。况且现在又有了家室，又有了未来的儿女，万一再同那时候一样的失起业来，岂不要比那时更苦。

我前面也已經提起過了，在社會上雖是一個懦弱的受難者的我，在家庭內卻是一個兇惡的暴君。As I have already mentioned, though in society I was a weak and passive sufferer, at home I was a vicious tyrant.在社會上受的虐待、欺淩，侮辱，我都要一一回家來向你發洩的。Every persecution, indignity, and humiliation I suffered in society I brought home and vented upon you, one by one.可憐你自從去年十月以來，竟變了一隻無罪的羔羊，日日在那裡替社會贖罪，作了供我這無能的暴君的犧牲。Poor you—from October of last year onward you became an innocent lamb, daily atoning for society’s sins, sacrificed to me, an impotent tyrant.我在外面受了氣回來，不是說你做的菜不好吃，就罵你是害我吃苦的原因。Whenever I came home after suffering some affront outside, I would either complain that your cooking was bad or curse you as the cause of all my misery.我一想到了將來失業的時候的苦況，神經激動起來的時候每罵著說：Whenever I imagined the wretchedness of future unemployment and my nerves became inflamed, I would curse you, saying:

我前面也已经提起过了，在社会上虽是一个懦弱的受难者的我，在家庭内却是一个凶恶的暴君。在社会上受的虐待、欺凌，侮辱，我都要一一回家来向你发泄的。可怜你自从去年十月以来，竟变了一只无罪的羔羊，日日在那里替社会赎罪，作了供我这无能的暴君的牺牲。我在外面受了气回来，不是说你做的菜不好吃，就骂你是害我吃苦的原因。我一想到了将来失业的时候的苦况，神经激动起来的时候每骂著说：

“你去死！“Go and die!你死了我方有出頭的日子。Only when you are dead will I have any chance of getting ahead.我辛辛苦苦，是為什麼人在這裡作牛馬的呀。For whose sake am I toiling here like an ox or a horse?要只有我一個人，我何處不可去，我何苦要在這死地方作苦工呢！If I were alone, where could I not go? Why should I slave away in this accursed place?只知道在家裡坐食的你這行屍，你究竟是為了什麼目的生存在這世上的呀？……”You living corpse, who know only how to sit at home and consume food—what purpose can you possibly have for existing in this world?...”

“你去死！你死了我方有出头的日子。我辛辛苦苦，是为什么人在这里作牛马的呀。要只有我一个人，我何处不可去，我何苦要在这死地方作苦工呢！只知道在家里坐食的你这行尸，你究竟是为了什么目的生存在这世上的呀？……”

你被我罵不過，就暗哭起來。Unable to endure my abuse, you would begin weeping silently.我罵你一場之後，把胸中的悲憤發洩完了，大抵總立時痛責我自家，上前來愛撫你一番，並且每用了柔和的聲氣，細細的把我的發氣的原因——社會對我的虐待——講給你聽。After I had abused you and discharged all the grief and indignation in my breast, I would usually condemn myself at once, come forward to caress you, and in a gentle voice explain in detail the cause of my rage—the persecution society inflicted upon me.你聽了反替我抱著不平，每又哀哀的為我痛哭，到後來，終究到了兩人相持對泣而後已。On hearing me, you would instead feel indignant on my behalf and once again weep piteously for me, until in the end we invariably faced each other and cried together.象這樣的情景，起初不過間幾日一次的，到後來將放年假的時候，變了一日一次或一日數次了。At first such scenes occurred only once every few days, but as the winter vacation approached, they came once a day, or even several times a day.

你被我骂不过，就暗哭起来。我骂你一场之后，把胸中的悲愤发泄完了，大抵总立时痛责我自家，上前来爱抚你一番，并且每用了柔和的声气，细细的把我的发气的原因——社会对我的虐待——讲给你听。你听了反替我抱著不平，每又哀哀的为我痛哭，到后来，终究到了两人相持对泣而后已。象这样的情景，起初不过间几日一次的，到后来将放年假的时候，变了一日一次或一日数次了。

唉唉，這悲劇的出生，不知究竟是結婚的罪惡呢？Alas, alas, what gave birth to this tragedy? Was it the evil of marriage?還是社會的罪惡？Or the evil of society?若是為結婚錯了的原因而起的，那這問題倒還容易解決，若因社會的組織不良，致使我不能得適當的職業，你不能過安樂的日子，因而生出這種家庭悲劇的，那我們的社會就不得不根本的改革了。If it arose because our marriage was a mistake, the problem would be comparatively easy to solve; but if the defective organization of society prevented me from finding suitable work and you from living a peaceful life, thereby producing this domestic tragedy, then our society must be reformed at its very roots.

唉唉，这悲剧的出生，不知究竟是结婚的罪恶呢？还是社会的罪恶？若是为结婚错了的原因而起的，那这问题倒还容易解决，若因社会的组织不良，致使我不能得适当的职业，你不能过安乐的日子，因而生出这种家庭悲剧的，那我们的社会就不得不根本的改革了。

在這樣的憂患中間，我與你的悲哀的繼承者，竟生了下來，沒有足月的這小生命，看來也是一個神經質的薄命的相兒。Amid all these troubles, the heir to your sorrow and mine was born; this little life, delivered before its time, already looked like a nervous, ill-fated child.你看他那哭時的額上的一條青筋，不是神經質的證據麼？Look at the blue vein that stands out on his forehead when he cries—is that not proof of his nervous disposition?

在这样的忧患中间，我与你的悲哀的继承者，竟生了下来，没有足月的这小生命，看来也是一个神经质的薄命的相儿。你看他那哭时的额上的一条青筋，不是神经质的证据么？

饑餓的時候，我喂乳若遲一點，他老要哭個不止，象這樣的性格，便是將來吃苦的基礎。When he is hungry, if I am a little late in giving him milk, he cries without end; such a temperament is the very foundation of future suffering.唉唉，我既生到了世上，受這樣的社會的煎熬，正在求生不可，求死不得的時候，又何苦多此一舉，生這一塊肉在人世呢？Alas, alas, having myself been born into this world to endure such torment from society, unable either to live or to die, why did I go out of my way to bring this little piece of flesh into the human world?啊啊！Ah!矛盾，慚愧，我是解說不了的了。The contradiction, the shame—I cannot explain them.以後若有人動問，就請你答覆罷！If anyone should ask in the future, please answer for me!

饥饿的时候，我喂乳若迟一点，他老要哭个不止，象这样的性格，便是将来吃苦的基础。唉唉，我既生到了世上，受这样的社会的煎熬，正在求生不可，求死不得的时候，又何苦多此一举，生这一块肉在人世呢？啊啊！矛盾，惭愧，我是解说不了的了。以后若有人动问，就请你答覆罢！

悲劇的收場，是在一個月的前頭。The tragedy reached its conclusion a month ago.那時候你的神經已經昏亂了，大約已記不清楚，但我卻牢牢記著的。Your mind was already confused then, so you probably no longer remember clearly, but I remember it all firmly.那天晚上，正下弦的月亮剛從東邊升起來的時候。It was evening, just as the waning half-moon was rising in the east.

悲剧的收场，是在一个月的前头。那时候你的神经已经昏乱了，大约已记不清楚，但我却牢牢记著的。那天晚上，正下弦的月亮刚从东边升起来的时候。

我自從辭去了教授職後，托哥哥在某銀行裡謀了一個位置。After resigning my professorship, I had asked my elder brother to find me a position at a certain bank.但不幸的時候，事運不巧，偏偏某銀行為了政治上的問題，開不出來。But misfortune dogged me: by an unlucky turn of events, that bank was unable to open because of political complications.我閒居A地，月日在家中喝酒，喝醉之後，便聲聲的罵你與剛出生的那小孩，說你與小孩是我的腳鐐，我大約要為你們的緣故沉水而死的。I remained idle in A, drinking at home every day; once drunk, I would ceaselessly curse you and the newborn child, saying that you two were shackles on my feet and that I would probably end by drowning myself because of you.我硬要你們回故鄉去，你們卻是不肯。I insisted that you both return to our native place, but you refused.那一晚我罵了一陣，已經是朦朧的想睡了。That night, after cursing for a while, I had grown drowsy and wanted to sleep.在半醒半睡中間，我從帳子裡看出來，好象見你在與小孩講話。Half awake and half asleep, I peered through the bed curtains and seemed to see you talking to the child.

我自从辞去了教授职后，托哥哥在某银行里谋了一个位置。但不幸的时候，事运不巧，偏偏某银行为了政治上的问题，开不出来。我闲居A地，月日在家中喝酒，喝醉之后，便声声的骂你与刚出生的那小孩，说你与小孩是我的脚镣，我大约要为你们的缘故沉水而死的。我硬要你们回故乡去，你们却是不肯。那一晚我骂了一阵，已经是朦胧的想睡了。在半醒半睡中间，我从帐子里看出来，好象见你在与小孩讲话。

“……“...你要乖些……You must be good...要乖些……Be good...小寶睡了罷……Go to sleep, little darling...不要討爸爸的厭……Don’t make Papa dislike you...不要討……Don’t make him...娘去之後……After Mama is gone...要……You must...要……Must...乖些……”Be good...”

“……你要乖些……要乖些……小宝睡了罢……不要讨爸爸的厌……不要讨……娘去之后……要……要……乖些……”

講了一陣，我好象看見你坐在洋燈影裡揩眼淚，這是你的常態，我看得不耐煩了，所以就翻了一轉身，面朝著了裡床。After speaking for a while, you seemed to sit in the lamplight wiping away your tears; this was so usual with you that I grew impatient at the sight and turned over to face the inner side of the bed.我在背後覺得你在燈下哭了一忽，又站起來把我的帳子掀開了對我看了一回。Behind me I sensed that you wept for a while beneath the lamp, then rose, lifted my bed curtain, and looked at me for some time.我那時候只覺得好睡，所以沒有同你講話。I felt only that I wanted to sleep, so I did not speak to you.以後我就睡著了。Then I fell asleep.

讲了一阵，我好象看见你坐在洋灯影里揩眼泪，这是你的常态，我看得不耐烦了，所以就翻了一转身，面朝著了里床。我在背后觉得你在灯下哭了一忽，又站起来把我的帐子掀开了对我看了一回。我那时候只觉得好睡，所以没有同你讲话。以后我就睡著了。

我們街前的車夫，在我們門外亂打的時候，我才從被裡跳了起來。It was only when the rickshaw pullers from the front of our street began pounding wildly outside our door that I sprang out from under the covers.我跌來碰去的走出門來的時候，已經是昏亂得不堪了。By the time I stumbled and collided with things on my way out, I was already beside myself with confusion.我只見你的披散的頭髮，結成了一塊，圍在你的項上。I saw only your loose hair, clotted into a mass and wrapped about your neck.正是下弦的月亮從東邊升起來的時候，黃灰色的月光射在你的面上，你那本來是灰白的面色，反射出了一道冷光，你的眼睛好好的閉在那裡，嘴唇還在微微的動著，你的濕透了的棉襖上，因為有幾個扛你回來的車夫的黑影投射著，所以是一塊黑一塊青的。It was just when the waning half-moon was rising in the east; its ashen-yellow light fell upon your face, making your already pallid complexion give off a cold gleam. Your eyes lay peacefully closed, while your lips still moved faintly; across your soaked padded jacket fell the dark shadows of the rickshaw pullers who had carried you back, mottling it with patches of black and blue.我把洋燈在地上一放，就抱著了你叫了幾聲，你的眼睛開了一開，馬上就閉上了，眼角上卻湧了兩條眼淚出來。I set the lamp on the ground, took you in my arms, and called to you several times; your eyes opened briefly and immediately closed again, but two streams of tears welled from their corners.啊啊，我知道你那時候心裡並不怨我的，我知道你並不怨我的，我看了你的眼淚，就能辨出你的心事來，但是我哪能不哭，我哪能不哭呢！Ah, I know that in your heart you did not blame me then; I know you did not blame me. From your tears I could discern what was in your heart—but how could I keep from crying, how could I keep from crying?我還怕什麼？What had I left to fear?我還要維持什麼體面？What appearances had I left to preserve?我就當了眾人的面前哭出來了。I burst into tears before everyone.那時候他們已經把你搬進了房。By then they had already carried you into the room.你床上睡著的小孩，聽見了嘈雜的人聲，也放大了喉嚨啼泣起來。The child sleeping on your bed heard the noisy voices and began wailing at the top of his lungs.大約是小孩的哭聲傳到了你的耳膜上了。The child’s cries must have reached your ears.

我们街前的车夫，在我们门外乱打的时候，我才从被里跳了起来。我跌来碰去的走出门来的时候，已经是昏乱得不堪了。我只见你的披散的头发，结成了一块，围在你的项上。正是下弦的月亮从东边升起来的时候，黄灰色的月光射在你的面上，你那本来是灰白的面色，反射出了一道冷光，你的眼睛好好的闭在那里，嘴唇还在微微的动著，你的湿透了的棉袄上，因为有几个扛你回来的车夫的黑影投射著，所以是一块黑一块青的。我把洋灯在地上一放，就抱著了你叫了几声，你的眼睛开了一开，马上就闭上了，眼角上却涌了两条眼泪出来。啊啊，我知道你那时候心里并不怨我的，我知道你并不怨我的，我看了你的眼泪，就能辨出你的心事来，但是我哪能不哭，我哪能不哭呢！我还怕什么？我还要维持什么体面？我就当了众人的面前哭出来了。那时候他们已经把你搬进了房。你床上睡著的小孩，听见了嘈杂的人声，也放大了喉咙啼泣起来。大约是小孩的哭声传到了你的耳膜上了。

你才張開眼來，含了許多眼淚對我看了一眼。Only then did you open your eyes and look at me once, your eyes brimming with tears.我一邊替你換濕衣裳，一邊教你安睡，不要去管那小孩。As I changed your wet clothes, I told you to sleep peacefully and not concern yourself with the child.卻好間壁雇在那裡的乳母，也聽見了這雜雜訊起了床，跑了過來，我知道你眷念小孩，所以就教乳母替我把小孩抱了過去。Just then the wet nurse employed next door also heard the commotion, got out of bed, and came running over; knowing how concerned you were for the child, I asked her to take him for me.奶媽抱了小孩走過床上你的身邊的時候，你又對她看了一眼。When the nurse carried the child past your bedside, you looked at her once more.同時，我卻聽見長江裡的輪船放了一聲開船的汽笛聲。At that same moment, I heard the whistle of a steamer departing on the Changjiang.

你才张开眼来，含了许多眼泪对我看了一眼。我一边替你换湿衣裳，一边教你安睡，不要去管那小孩。却好间壁雇在那里的乳母，也听见了这杂杂讯起了床，跑了过来，我知道你眷念小孩，所以就教乳母替我把小孩抱了过去。奶妈抱了小孩走过床上你的身边的时候，你又对她看了一眼。同时，我却听见长江里的轮船放了一声开船的汽笛声。

在病院裡看護你的十五天工夫，是我的心地最純潔的日子。The fifteen days I spent nursing you in the hospital were the purest days of my life.利己心很重的我，從來沒有感覺到這樣純潔的愛情過。Selfish as I was, I had never before experienced love so pure.可憐你身體熱到四十一度的時候，還要忽而從睡夢中坐起來間我：Poor you—even when your temperature reached forty-one degrees, you would suddenly sit up from sleep and ask me:

在病院里看护你的十五天工夫，是我的心地最纯洁的日子。利己心很重的我，从来没有感觉到这样纯洁的爱情过。可怜你身体热到四十一度的时候，还要忽而从睡梦中坐起来间我：

“龍兒，怎麼樣了？”“How is Long’er?”

“龙儿，怎么样了？”

“你要上銀行去了麼？”“Are you going to the bank?”

“你要上银行去了么？”

我從A地動身的時候，本來打算同你同回家去住的，象這樣的社會上，諒來總也沒有我的位置了。When I left A, I had originally intended to return home with you and live there; in a society such as this, I supposed there would never be any place for me.即使尋著了職業，象我這樣愚笨的人，也是沒有希望的。Even if I found employment, a foolish man like me could have no prospects.我們家裡，雖則不是豪富，然而也可算進中產，養養你，養養我，養養我們的龍兒的幾顆米是有的。Though our family is not extremely wealthy, it may still be counted among the middle class; it has enough rice to support you, me, and our Long’er.你今年二十七，我今年二十八了。You are twenty-seven this year, and I am twenty-eight.即使你我各有五十歲好活，以後還有幾年？Even if you and I each had fifty more years left to live, how many years would that really amount to, in the end?我也不想富貴功名了。I no longer long for wealth, rank, or fame either.

我从A地动身的时候，本来打算同你同回家去住的，象这样的社会上，谅来总也没有我的位置了。即使寻著了职业，象我这样愚笨的人，也是没有希望的。我们家里，虽则不是豪富，然而也可算进中产，养养你，养养我，养养我们的龙儿的几颗米是有的。你今年二十七，我今年二十八了。即使你我各有五十岁好活，以后还有几年？我也不想富贵功名了。

若為一點毫無價值的浮名，幾個不義的金錢，要把良心拿出來去換，要犧牲了他人作我的踏腳板，那也何苦哩。If, for some worthless bit of empty reputation, or a few ill-gotten coins, I had to trade away my conscience and sacrifice others as stepping-stones for myself — what would be the point of that?這本來是我從A地同你和龍兒動身時候的決心。This was, in fact, the resolve I had made when I first set out from Place A together with you and Long'er.不是動身的前幾晚，我同你拿出了許多建築的圖案來看了麼？Didn't we, on the evenings before we set out, take out a number of building plans and look them over together?我們兩人不是把我們回家之後，預備到北城近郊的地裡，由我們自家的手去造的小茅屋的樣子畫得好好的麼？Didn't the two of us carefully sketch out the design of the little thatched cottage we planned to build with our own hands, on a plot of land in the northern suburbs, once we got home?我們將走的前幾天不是到A地的可紀念地方，與你我有關的地方都去逛了麼？In the days before we left, didn't we go and revisit all the memorable spots in Place A, all the places that meant something to the two of us?我在長江輪船上的時候，這決心還是堅固得很的。While I was aboard the steamer on the Yangtze, this resolve of mine was still perfectly firm.

若为一点毫无价值的浮名，几个不义的金钱，要把良心拿出来去换，要牺牲了他人作我的踏脚板，那也何苦哩。这本来是我从A地同你和龙儿动身时候的决心。不是动身的前几晚，我同你拿出了许多建筑的图案来看了么？我们两人不是把我们回家之后，预备到北城近郊的地里，由我们自家的手去造的小茅屋的样子画得好好的么？我们将走的前几天不是到A地的可纪念地方，与你我有关的地方都去逛了么？我在长江轮船上的时候，这决心还是坚固得很的。

我這決心的動搖，在我到上海的第二天。It was on the second day after I reached Shanghai that this resolve of mine began to waver.那天白天我同你照了照相，吃了午膳，不是去訪問了一位初從日本回來的朋友麼？That day, after we had our picture taken together and eaten lunch, didn't we go and call on a friend who had just returned from Japan?我把我的計畫告訴了他，他也不說可，不說否，但只指著他的幾位小孩說：I told him of my plan; he said neither yes nor no, but only pointed at his several children and said:

我这决心的动摇，在我到上海的第二天。那天白天我同你照了照相，吃了午膳，不是去访问了一位初从日本回来的朋友么？我把我的计画告诉了他，他也不说可，不说否，但只指著他的几位小孩说：

“你看看我，看我是怎麼也不願意逃避的。"Look at me, and see how, no matter what, I am unwilling to run from it.我的系累，豈不是比你更多麼？”Aren't my burdens even heavier than yours?"

“你看看我，看我是怎么也不愿意逃避的。我的系累，岂不是比你更多么？”

啊啊！Ah, ah!好勝的心思，比人一倍強盛的我，到了這兵殘垓下的時候，同落水雞似的逃回鄉裡去——這一出失意的還鄉記，就是比我更怯弱的青年，也不願意上臺去演的呀！I, whose competitive spirit burns twice as fierce as other men's, now that my army lies broken at Gaixia, to flee home to the countryside like a drowned chicken — this scene of a dejected homecoming is one that even a youth far more faint-hearted than I would refuse to step on stage and perform!我回來之後，晚上一晚不曾睡著。After I got back, I did not sleep a wink the whole night.你知道我胸中的愁鬱，所以只得默默的不響，因為在這時候，你若說一句話，總難免不被我痛駡。You knew the gloom weighing on my heart, and so you could only keep silent, for at such a moment, had you spoken even a single word, you could hardly have escaped a bitter scolding from me.這是我的老脾氣，雖從你進病院之後直到那天還沒有發過，但你那事件發生以前卻是常發的。This is an old temper of mine — one that had not flared up from the time you entered the hospital right up until that day, but which, before that incident of yours occurred, used to flare up often.

啊啊！好胜的心思，比人一倍强盛的我，到了这兵残垓下的时候，同落水鸡似的逃回乡里去——这一出失意的还乡记，就是比我更怯弱的青年，也不愿意上台去演的呀！我回来之后，晚上一晚不曾睡著。你知道我胸中的愁郁，所以只得默默的不响，因为在这时候，你若说一句话，总难免不被我痛骂。这是我的老脾气，虽从你进病院之后直到那天还没有发过，但你那事件发生以前却是常发的。

象這樣的狀態，繼續了三天。This state of affairs went on for three days.到了昨天晚上，你大約是看得我難受了，所以當我兀兀的坐在床上的時候，你就對我說：Then last night, you must have seen how wretched I looked, for while I sat there rigidly on the bed, you said to me:

象这样的状态，继续了三天。到了昨天晚上，你大约是看得我难受了，所以当我兀兀的坐在床上的时候，你就对我说：

“你不要急得這樣，你就一個人住在上海罷。"Don't be so anxious about it. Just stay in Shanghai by yourself.你但須送我上火車，我與龍兒是可以回去的，你可以不必同我們去。You need only see me onto the train — Long'er and I can make our own way home; you don't have to go with us.我想明天馬上就搭午後的車回浙江去。”I think I'll take tomorrow afternoon's train straight back to Zhejiang."

“你不要急得这样，你就一个人住在上海罢。你但须送我上火车，我与龙儿是可以回去的，你可以不必同我们去。我想明天马上就搭午后的车回浙江去。”

本來今天晚上還有一處請我們夫婦吃飯的地方，但你因為怕我昨晚答應你將你和小孩先送回家的事情要變卦，所以你今天就急急的要走。As it happened, there was still a dinner engagement tonight to which we, as a couple, had been invited, but you, afraid I might go back on what I had promised you last night — to send you and the child home first — insisted on leaving in such a hurry today.我一邊只覺得對你不起，一邊心裡不知怎麼的又在恨你。On one hand I simply felt I had wronged you, yet on the other, for some reason I could not explain, I found myself resenting you.所以我當你在那裡撿東西的時候，眼睛裡包著兩泓清淚，只是默默的講不出話來。So while you were there gathering up your things, my eyes brimmed with two pools of clear tears, and I could only stay silent, unable to get a word out.直到送你上車之後，在車座裡坐了一忽，等車快開了，我才講了一句：Not until I had seen you onto the train, and sat with you in your seat for a while, and the train was about to leave, did I finally say one thing:

本来今天晚上还有一处请我们夫妇吃饭的地方，但你因为怕我昨晚答应你将你和小孩先送回家的事情要变卦，所以你今天就急急的要走。我一边只觉得对你不起，一边心里不知怎么的又在恨你。所以我当你在那里捡东西的时候，眼睛里包著两泓清泪，只是默默的讲不出话来。直到送你上车之后，在车座里坐了一忽，等车快开了，我才讲了一句：

“今天天氣倒還好。”"The weather's turned out quite good today."

“今天天气倒还好。”

你知道我的意思，所以把頭朝向了那面的車窗，好象在那裡探看天氣的樣子，許久不回過頭來。You understood what I meant, and so you turned your head toward the window on the other side, as though peering out to check the weather, and for a long while did not turn back.唉唉，你那時若把你那水汪汪的眼睛朝我看一看，我也許會同你馬上就痛哭起來的，也許仍複把你留在上海，不使你一個人回去的。Ah, ah — if you had turned those tear-brimmed eyes of yours to look at me just then, I might have burst into tears with you right there, and might have kept you in Shanghai after all, not letting you go home alone.也許我就硬的陪你回浙江去的，至少我也許要陪你到杭州。Perhaps I would even have insisted on accompanying you all the way back to Zhejiang; at the very least, I might have gone with you as far as Hangzhou.但你終不回轉頭來，我也不再說第二句話，就站起來走下車子。But you never did turn your head back, and I did not say a second word, but simply stood up and got off the train.我在月臺上立了一忽，故意不對你的玻璃窗看。I stood on the platform for a moment, deliberately avoiding a look at your window.等車開的時候，我趕上了幾步，卻對你看了一眼，我見你的眼下左頰上有一條痕跡在那裡發光。When the train began to move, I hurried forward a few steps and stole a glance at you — I saw, just below your eye, on your left cheek, a streak glistening there.我眼見得車去遠了，月臺上的人都跑了出去，我一個人落得最後，慢慢的走出車站來。I watched with my own eyes as the train drew off into the distance; the people on the platform all hurried away, and I, left behind alone as the very last one, walked slowly out of the station.我不曉得是什麼原因，心裡只覺得是以後不能與你再見的樣子，我心酸極了。I don't know why, but in my heart I somehow felt as though I would never see you again, and it filled me with the bitterest sorrow.啊啊！Ah, ah!我這不祥之語，是多講的。These ill-omened words of mine are needless — I ought not to have spoken them.我在外邊只希望你和龍兒的身體壯健，你和母親的感情融洽。Out here, all I hope for is that you and Long'er stay strong and healthy, and that you and Mother get along in harmony.我是無論如何，不至投水自沉的，請你安心。Whatever happens, I would never go so far as to drown myself — please set your mind at ease on that score.你到家之後千萬要寫信來給我的哩！Once you get home, you must, whatever else, write and send me a letter!我不接到你平安到家的信，什麼決心也不能下，我是在這裡等你的信的。Until I receive your letter telling me you've arrived home safely, I cannot make up my mind about anything — I will be here waiting for your letter.

你知道我的意思，所以把头朝向了那面的车窗，好象在那里探看天气的样子，许久不回过头来。唉唉，你那时若把你那水汪汪的眼睛朝我看一看，我也许会同你马上就痛哭起来的，也许仍复把你留在上海，不使你一个人回去的。也许我就硬的陪你回浙江去的，至少我也许要陪你到杭州。但你终不回转头来，我也不再说第二句话，就站起来走下车子。我在月台上立了一忽，故意不对你的玻璃窗看。等车开的时候，我赶上了几步，却对你看了一眼，我见你的眼下左颊上有一条痕迹在那里发光。我眼见得车去远了，月台上的人都跑了出去，我一个人落得最后，慢慢的走出车站来。我不晓得是什么原因，心里只觉得是以后不能与你再见的样子，我心酸极了。啊啊！我这不祥之语，是多讲的。我在外边只希望你和龙儿的身体壮健，你和母亲的感情融洽。我是无论如何，不至投水自沉的，请你安心。你到家之后千万要写信来给我的哩！我不接到你平安到家的信，什么决心也不能下，我是在这里等你的信的。